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Fae's Tips for the Fanfiction Writer
Dec. 14th, 2006 12:51 pm(No, this isn't fic. This is something I wrote and posted in my daily journal some months back. I thought I'd revive it and share here, since this is a Fic journal.)
Fae's Tips for the Fanfiction Writer
Also known as: if you're going to write fiction—even if it’s fanfiction—have some dignity and a bit of respect for style and the English language.
This advice, of course, works for original fiction as well as fanfiction, but there are some things in here that are particular to the hell pits of the Internet.
These are in no order; they came to me and I wrote them down. And this is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I'm sure I'll add more.
Aristocratic hands
No. Give me an actual description. What defines aristocratic? Long fingers? Short nails? No ink stains? Straight bones? Tanned or pale? Etc.
Dueling tongues
Only if it's pulling out a gun or a wand. This is hideously clichéd. Don't do it.
Chocolate orbs
Or any other orbs for eyes...or any sweet description of eyes. This is not a candy shop.
"Her mouth tasted of cinnamon chocolate spice..."
A mouth tastes like the last thing that was in it, okay? Deal. And although different people do have different base flavors (some people are sweet, some are more metallic, some don’t taste like much of anything), it's not going to be this exotic tasty synthesized candy flavor. Okay? (Unless they were sucking on an Andes Chocolate before hand.)
Sex
For genitals. "Sex." Anne Rice popularized this, I think. She also used the word "organ." I am of the opinion that if you can't write it…Dick, Cock, Prick, Penis, Pussy, Cunt, Cunny, Slit, Vagina...you shouldn't be writing smut. Now, of course, it's sometimes hard to find a word that fits your writing style, especially if you're trying to be romantic or poetic. Cock is harsh, as is cunt. I think I am guilty of using the term "nether regions" but I don't remember which character that was. (And it was a long time ago. Though, I like the term nether hair or nether fur. Go figure.)
For the female genitalia I kind of like pussy; if I deem it necessary to keep a certain poetic flow, I might use vulva. It's a pretty word and it's the entire package, not just the internal (which is why I take issue with using “vagina,” unless you’re describing the inside).
It really depends on my character. You must take them into consideration. Sure, I have female characters who would never dream of using the word "cunt" and have no problem calling a penis a "cock." I also have male characters that would look at you with chagrin if you were to use the word "sex" to describe anything other than the act of and who think a "pussy" is only a feline. Check out a slang dictionary, I'm sure you'll find many options.
Quivering Nub
I will give you pearl because it kind of fits considering some vernacular but I think that's as far as I will go. It's a clit. Or a clitoris. Check the slang dictionaries.
Cum
Agggggghhhhh!!!! Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Just spell it correctly. "Come for me." Cutting out the “o” and the "e" and throwing in a "u" does not make it hotter/sexier/raunchier or more clever. It just drives the people who have a good concept of the English language nuts.
Accents "Ah'm the happiest Ah've evah been."
I see this a lot in X-Men fiction. Committed against Rogue. (I think it's written as such in the comics...but people, two different mediums. And frankly...I find it unnecessary in the comics as well.)
As a girl born in the South, who used to have a Southern accent [which I find slipping back into my speech every now and then]…I find the attempts to write a Southern accent, very, very bad. I never talked like that. I don't know anyone in the South who does talk like that. Some people have evidently been watching too much Gone With the Wind.
Do. Not. Write. Accents.
Let the reader know (if they don't already) up front where the character is from. Give them a setting and character information and you do not need to attempt to transcribe an accent. Use colloquialisms with your characters. “Shit fire, save matches." "Bloody hell." "Bollocks." "Feck." "My sweet Lord." "Down Yonder." Etc, etc, etc. And if it's absolutely necessary, describe the way a character sounds, as you would describe other things. Use your descriptor paragraphs. It's what they're there for.
Ask yourself: why do I need to write this in an accent? Why? Is there a purpose? Is it parody? Is the accent intentional to a character's action? If it doesn't somehow improve the story or the plot, you don't need it. And I seirously doubt it does much for characterization. We already know where they're from.
The 2 Second Female Vaginal Climax
Um, hello? Okay, so there are women who can go from arousal to climax in 0.50 and of course there are those who can climax from dreams, nipple stimulation, etc, etc without ever having the clit touched, but they are not the norm (sadly). For simplicity’s sake—and since I am talking about general PIV sex in fiction (because that’s when this 2 second atrocity seems to occur)—let’s stick with that. I know this is fiction, but unlike reality, fiction must make some kind of sense. G-Spot orgasms are fine. But don’t forget to throw in the clit.
Complete lack of Emotion in Sex
I’m not talking about “Oh, let’s cuddle” or “What are you thinking about?” I’m talking about sex scenes not being written like a bloody How-To manual. “He gripped his penis and thrust it into her vagina, moving in and out, in and out in delicious frictiony pleasure.” Sexy? Moving? Intense? I don’t think so. I want to know what the feeling is in this scene, “delicious frictiony pleasure” just isn’t cutting it. What exactly is “frictiony pleasure?”
Impale
Okay, but use with caution and brevity.
Thrusted
It’s “thrust,” okay? “Thrusted” is not a word and wishing doesn’t make it so. Plus, it’s overused. Choose other words and descriptions.
Shaft
“He’s a bad mother—“ Wrong Shaft, actually. This one applies to smut scenes. It’s…useable. There are probably better options.
Author's notes in the middle of Stories
Author’s Notes, if they are necessary, belong at either the beginning of the story or at the end. Do. Not. I repeat, do not put them in the middle of a story. If you are writing a serious fic (that is, not a purposefully bad fic) leave out the interruptions in the middle of the prose; such a thing interrupts the story and pulls the reader out of it. Don’t screw over your reader in that way.
*Flashback* marks
The sure sign of an amateur. If you can’t introduce a flashback through the crafting of your prose (italics are allowed, but I wouldn’t get dependent on them) then don’t write them. Labeling a scene *Flashback* is weak as weak can be.
Changing Tense
If you start in past tense stay in past tense. If you write in present tense, stick with it. Do not shift tenses in the middle of the story or a paragraph.
Changing POV
Don’t change POV mid-shift. If you start with third person omniscient then stick with third person omniscient. And so on… Don’t start with “I” and then use “He” or “She” to refer to your speaker.
If you wish to jump to different points of view that’s okay, but label them at the start of the section (This is one place where it’s okay to use labels.) However, don’t do it just to do it. There should be a reason. Ask yourself: would the story be hurt without this stylistic element?
Luscious for Lucius
Okay. Freudian slips are one thing. Learn how to spell the man's name. Christ. He ought to beat you with his cane.
Resurrecting characters.
Unless there’s a damned good reason/you can make this believable, don’t do it. (It’s different if there’s no proof the character actually died in canon, you can play with that to your heart’s content, but if it’s seen or stated out right…well, less is more. If you have to make the earth shift…make a character all powerful…bring in the Mary-Sue-big-guns, perhaps the character’s better left dead.)
Fangirl Japanese
Stop it! Just stop it. This falls under the same heading as “accents.” It’s not necessary and it’s bloody annoying. Using suffixes such as “kun,” “san,” or “chan” or having a character call their siblings “imouto” and otherwise is fine. Those words don’t do well in translation. I wouldn’t even bother with an “arigatou” as small a thing as it is. We get that the characters are Japanese/are in Japan. We get that they’re most likely speaking in Japanese. We don’t need you to try (badly, at that) to write dialogue in Japanese.
Fae's Tips for the Fanfiction Writer
Also known as: if you're going to write fiction—even if it’s fanfiction—have some dignity and a bit of respect for style and the English language.
This advice, of course, works for original fiction as well as fanfiction, but there are some things in here that are particular to the hell pits of the Internet.
These are in no order; they came to me and I wrote them down. And this is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I'm sure I'll add more.
Aristocratic hands
No. Give me an actual description. What defines aristocratic? Long fingers? Short nails? No ink stains? Straight bones? Tanned or pale? Etc.
Dueling tongues
Only if it's pulling out a gun or a wand. This is hideously clichéd. Don't do it.
Chocolate orbs
Or any other orbs for eyes...or any sweet description of eyes. This is not a candy shop.
"Her mouth tasted of cinnamon chocolate spice..."
A mouth tastes like the last thing that was in it, okay? Deal. And although different people do have different base flavors (some people are sweet, some are more metallic, some don’t taste like much of anything), it's not going to be this exotic tasty synthesized candy flavor. Okay? (Unless they were sucking on an Andes Chocolate before hand.)
Sex
For genitals. "Sex." Anne Rice popularized this, I think. She also used the word "organ." I am of the opinion that if you can't write it…Dick, Cock, Prick, Penis, Pussy, Cunt, Cunny, Slit, Vagina...you shouldn't be writing smut. Now, of course, it's sometimes hard to find a word that fits your writing style, especially if you're trying to be romantic or poetic. Cock is harsh, as is cunt. I think I am guilty of using the term "nether regions" but I don't remember which character that was. (And it was a long time ago. Though, I like the term nether hair or nether fur. Go figure.)
For the female genitalia I kind of like pussy; if I deem it necessary to keep a certain poetic flow, I might use vulva. It's a pretty word and it's the entire package, not just the internal (which is why I take issue with using “vagina,” unless you’re describing the inside).
It really depends on my character. You must take them into consideration. Sure, I have female characters who would never dream of using the word "cunt" and have no problem calling a penis a "cock." I also have male characters that would look at you with chagrin if you were to use the word "sex" to describe anything other than the act of and who think a "pussy" is only a feline. Check out a slang dictionary, I'm sure you'll find many options.
Quivering Nub
I will give you pearl because it kind of fits considering some vernacular but I think that's as far as I will go. It's a clit. Or a clitoris. Check the slang dictionaries.
Cum
Agggggghhhhh!!!! Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Just spell it correctly. "Come for me." Cutting out the “o” and the "e" and throwing in a "u" does not make it hotter/sexier/raunchier or more clever. It just drives the people who have a good concept of the English language nuts.
Accents "Ah'm the happiest Ah've evah been."
I see this a lot in X-Men fiction. Committed against Rogue. (I think it's written as such in the comics...but people, two different mediums. And frankly...I find it unnecessary in the comics as well.)
As a girl born in the South, who used to have a Southern accent [which I find slipping back into my speech every now and then]…I find the attempts to write a Southern accent, very, very bad. I never talked like that. I don't know anyone in the South who does talk like that. Some people have evidently been watching too much Gone With the Wind.
Do. Not. Write. Accents.
Let the reader know (if they don't already) up front where the character is from. Give them a setting and character information and you do not need to attempt to transcribe an accent. Use colloquialisms with your characters. “Shit fire, save matches." "Bloody hell." "Bollocks." "Feck." "My sweet Lord." "Down Yonder." Etc, etc, etc. And if it's absolutely necessary, describe the way a character sounds, as you would describe other things. Use your descriptor paragraphs. It's what they're there for.
Ask yourself: why do I need to write this in an accent? Why? Is there a purpose? Is it parody? Is the accent intentional to a character's action? If it doesn't somehow improve the story or the plot, you don't need it. And I seirously doubt it does much for characterization. We already know where they're from.
The 2 Second Female Vaginal Climax
Um, hello? Okay, so there are women who can go from arousal to climax in 0.50 and of course there are those who can climax from dreams, nipple stimulation, etc, etc without ever having the clit touched, but they are not the norm (sadly). For simplicity’s sake—and since I am talking about general PIV sex in fiction (because that’s when this 2 second atrocity seems to occur)—let’s stick with that. I know this is fiction, but unlike reality, fiction must make some kind of sense. G-Spot orgasms are fine. But don’t forget to throw in the clit.
Complete lack of Emotion in Sex
I’m not talking about “Oh, let’s cuddle” or “What are you thinking about?” I’m talking about sex scenes not being written like a bloody How-To manual. “He gripped his penis and thrust it into her vagina, moving in and out, in and out in delicious frictiony pleasure.” Sexy? Moving? Intense? I don’t think so. I want to know what the feeling is in this scene, “delicious frictiony pleasure” just isn’t cutting it. What exactly is “frictiony pleasure?”
Impale
Okay, but use with caution and brevity.
Thrusted
It’s “thrust,” okay? “Thrusted” is not a word and wishing doesn’t make it so. Plus, it’s overused. Choose other words and descriptions.
Shaft
“He’s a bad mother—“ Wrong Shaft, actually. This one applies to smut scenes. It’s…useable. There are probably better options.
Author's notes in the middle of Stories
Author’s Notes, if they are necessary, belong at either the beginning of the story or at the end. Do. Not. I repeat, do not put them in the middle of a story. If you are writing a serious fic (that is, not a purposefully bad fic) leave out the interruptions in the middle of the prose; such a thing interrupts the story and pulls the reader out of it. Don’t screw over your reader in that way.
*Flashback* marks
The sure sign of an amateur. If you can’t introduce a flashback through the crafting of your prose (italics are allowed, but I wouldn’t get dependent on them) then don’t write them. Labeling a scene *Flashback* is weak as weak can be.
Changing Tense
If you start in past tense stay in past tense. If you write in present tense, stick with it. Do not shift tenses in the middle of the story or a paragraph.
Changing POV
Don’t change POV mid-shift. If you start with third person omniscient then stick with third person omniscient. And so on… Don’t start with “I” and then use “He” or “She” to refer to your speaker.
If you wish to jump to different points of view that’s okay, but label them at the start of the section (This is one place where it’s okay to use labels.) However, don’t do it just to do it. There should be a reason. Ask yourself: would the story be hurt without this stylistic element?
Luscious for Lucius
Okay. Freudian slips are one thing. Learn how to spell the man's name. Christ. He ought to beat you with his cane.
Resurrecting characters.
Unless there’s a damned good reason/you can make this believable, don’t do it. (It’s different if there’s no proof the character actually died in canon, you can play with that to your heart’s content, but if it’s seen or stated out right…well, less is more. If you have to make the earth shift…make a character all powerful…bring in the Mary-Sue-big-guns, perhaps the character’s better left dead.)
Fangirl Japanese
Stop it! Just stop it. This falls under the same heading as “accents.” It’s not necessary and it’s bloody annoying. Using suffixes such as “kun,” “san,” or “chan” or having a character call their siblings “imouto” and otherwise is fine. Those words don’t do well in translation. I wouldn’t even bother with an “arigatou” as small a thing as it is. We get that the characters are Japanese/are in Japan. We get that they’re most likely speaking in Japanese. We don’t need you to try (badly, at that) to write dialogue in Japanese.