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This journal is a mix of public and friends only. All fanfiction, as well any general postings that I don't think are too personally identifying or intimate to share, will be public. This journal contains an import of both my old LiveJournals - fanfic and personal, the personal of which I started in 2001 when I was 18. (So if you go too far back - or just dig through the most popular tags - you're likely to find some late teen angst bullshit.)
Who am I?
Lins. She/Her. An Xennial. A taciturn, introverted word lover. I'm a writer (largely fandom but also original stuff) and instructional designer. I dabble in other artsy things (art journaling, gelli printing, mixed media). I drink too much coffee. I love a good witchy aesthetic (black lace, lots of greenery, random altars, beautiful tarot cards) and the feeling of ritual, but don't read me wrong: I'm an atheist and skeptic. I live with my husband and a single (as of the loss of her sister in August 2026) 17-year-old cat.
I'm trying to slow down a bit.
Feel free to pop any questions you might have on the comments of this post.
If you add me as a friend and we haven't already chatted somewhere, it would be good for you to introduce yourself. Otherwise, I likely won't add you back.
A bit more granular info behind the cut.
( Read more... )
Monday Recap
Sep. 28th, 2026 11:37 amIt was a busy latter half of the week.
Picked up my re-lensed sunglasses Wednesday evening, then Matt and I hit up the diner for dinner. The pesto turkey melt is likely to make it into my home rotation (as soon as I get over this GI nonsense). We intended to split a brownie shake but our server misheard and gave us a brownie sundae instead. Which was fine. He did, however, follow up with a small portion of shake to make up for it. That was more food than I needed.
Thursday, I got my flu and Covid vaccines about 10 in the morning and about 10 at night, had the full onset of the vaccine-ick. Which, for me, meant being a bit cold and achey. It's largely from the Covid vaccine. Every year those side effects get a little less annoying/a little shorter. But it did mean a late night.
Friday, I was still hungover and tired, so I cancelled our date night. My idea was to see Practical Magic 2 in the theatre (which would be the first time either of us have seen a move in a theatre since October of 2019) and then head to the 24 hour IHOP for pumpkin spice shakes. Maybe the movie this weekend. Not sure about the shakes.
Saturday, we joined a small group helping friends put up their 12 and 18 foot Halloween decorations. This was followed by dinner and movies (Tremors and Lost Boys, both of which one of the group had never seen and thought he wouldn't enjoy. Spoiler: he did. One would think he'd trust our movie picks by now.)
Sunday was cleaning catch up day of all the stuff I/we had been putting off for a while, including getting rid of the extra litterbox; we don't need four now that we're down to one cat. Matt did most of the pick up and vacuuming. I focused on putting laundry away, cleaning off my makeup table and getting our bedroom curtains washed.
Everything feels so much nicer now. The question is: how long will it stay like this?
On the negative side, since about Friday, I've been dealing with on and off heartburn.
I'm no stranger to heartburn as it's become more common in my 40s. While I don't want to blame everything on hormones, I do think peri has something to do with it, as it has, at times, seemed cyclical. (I also get lovely cyclical bloating from time to time. So much fun.)
But I usually don't deal with heartburn multiple days in a row like I have this weekend.
Though given my period is, so far, MIA this month (today is cycle day 53...I went 74 days in 2024 before things got a bit more regular again) and my digestion feels sluggish, I think there's a lot of hormonal fuckery happening. Add on that vaccines can cause systemic inflammation and potentially affect gut motility, I'm wondering if I just wandered into a perfect storm.
This stage of life is so fun. Is it hormones? Or is it something else? The $30,000,000 question.
Given August threw me off completely in terms of getting my body moving on the regular and also threw off my meal planning, I'm definitely leaning toward lifestyle and hormones. I'll get in with my gynecologist sometime before the end of the year and kvetch a bit. I already have my mammogram scheduled for January.
So I'm just...rolling with it all.
At any rate, after having a second helping (if I'd stuck to only one, I might have been fine) of sweet potato curry on Sunday and then finding myself in dire need of an antacid, it looks like I'll be following a bland diet, with more small meals through the day, this week.
I made overnight oats last night (complete with flax meal, chia and vanilla protein powder). I also had oatmeal for dinner last night. I foresee a fair amount of oatmeal in my near future.
No coffee. Coffee's typically not a big trigger (I think it builds on other things) but I'm taking it out anyway. I had apple and cinnamon herbal tea this morning and a soy milk matcha latte to get some caffeine before a vendor check-in.
I was planning to do tortellini soup this week, but given the tomato-y-ness of it, that's on hold. I may still get away with a butternut squash (fiber, yay!) curry this week, but I need to cut out the spice and likely nix the onions I normally throw into everything.
It's looking like it'll be a somewhat slow work week, which is always great.
I think I'll take myself for a post-breakfast (the oats and matcha seem to be sitting well so far), post-meeting walk and then get back to the course updates that have been plaguing me for the last month.
Picked up my re-lensed sunglasses Wednesday evening, then Matt and I hit up the diner for dinner. The pesto turkey melt is likely to make it into my home rotation (as soon as I get over this GI nonsense). We intended to split a brownie shake but our server misheard and gave us a brownie sundae instead. Which was fine. He did, however, follow up with a small portion of shake to make up for it. That was more food than I needed.
Thursday, I got my flu and Covid vaccines about 10 in the morning and about 10 at night, had the full onset of the vaccine-ick. Which, for me, meant being a bit cold and achey. It's largely from the Covid vaccine. Every year those side effects get a little less annoying/a little shorter. But it did mean a late night.
Friday, I was still hungover and tired, so I cancelled our date night. My idea was to see Practical Magic 2 in the theatre (which would be the first time either of us have seen a move in a theatre since October of 2019) and then head to the 24 hour IHOP for pumpkin spice shakes. Maybe the movie this weekend. Not sure about the shakes.
Saturday, we joined a small group helping friends put up their 12 and 18 foot Halloween decorations. This was followed by dinner and movies (Tremors and Lost Boys, both of which one of the group had never seen and thought he wouldn't enjoy. Spoiler: he did. One would think he'd trust our movie picks by now.)
Sunday was cleaning catch up day of all the stuff I/we had been putting off for a while, including getting rid of the extra litterbox; we don't need four now that we're down to one cat. Matt did most of the pick up and vacuuming. I focused on putting laundry away, cleaning off my makeup table and getting our bedroom curtains washed.
Everything feels so much nicer now. The question is: how long will it stay like this?
On the negative side, since about Friday, I've been dealing with on and off heartburn.
I'm no stranger to heartburn as it's become more common in my 40s. While I don't want to blame everything on hormones, I do think peri has something to do with it, as it has, at times, seemed cyclical. (I also get lovely cyclical bloating from time to time. So much fun.)
But I usually don't deal with heartburn multiple days in a row like I have this weekend.
Though given my period is, so far, MIA this month (today is cycle day 53...I went 74 days in 2024 before things got a bit more regular again) and my digestion feels sluggish, I think there's a lot of hormonal fuckery happening. Add on that vaccines can cause systemic inflammation and potentially affect gut motility, I'm wondering if I just wandered into a perfect storm.
This stage of life is so fun. Is it hormones? Or is it something else? The $30,000,000 question.
Given August threw me off completely in terms of getting my body moving on the regular and also threw off my meal planning, I'm definitely leaning toward lifestyle and hormones. I'll get in with my gynecologist sometime before the end of the year and kvetch a bit. I already have my mammogram scheduled for January.
So I'm just...rolling with it all.
At any rate, after having a second helping (if I'd stuck to only one, I might have been fine) of sweet potato curry on Sunday and then finding myself in dire need of an antacid, it looks like I'll be following a bland diet, with more small meals through the day, this week.
I made overnight oats last night (complete with flax meal, chia and vanilla protein powder). I also had oatmeal for dinner last night. I foresee a fair amount of oatmeal in my near future.
No coffee. Coffee's typically not a big trigger (I think it builds on other things) but I'm taking it out anyway. I had apple and cinnamon herbal tea this morning and a soy milk matcha latte to get some caffeine before a vendor check-in.
I was planning to do tortellini soup this week, but given the tomato-y-ness of it, that's on hold. I may still get away with a butternut squash (fiber, yay!) curry this week, but I need to cut out the spice and likely nix the onions I normally throw into everything.
It's looking like it'll be a somewhat slow work week, which is always great.
I think I'll take myself for a post-breakfast (the oats and matcha seem to be sitting well so far), post-meeting walk and then get back to the course updates that have been plaguing me for the last month.
I went in search of some new teas recently. David's Tea was a go-to for some interesting blends for a short while but they went downhill over the last few years.
After reading some recommendations, I ordered a Fall sampler and a Double Cream Earl Grey from Friday Afternoon Tea.
So far, I'm underwhelmed.
Part of me has wondered if my taste buds need resetting...but I'm actively comparing to other teas I have (right now that's largely Harney & Sons and TeaPigs) and those two are coming out ahead.
The Punkin Pie Rooibos was okay after an extended steep in a cup strainer. The Caramel Apple was the same (steeped in a French Press, five minutes, then 10 after an initial taste proved it not strong enough). I still have four other fall flavors to try, including a pumpkin chai; I'm hoping one of them might really hit home.
Saddest of all is the Double Cream Earl Grey. I wanted to like it. It sounded good. It's too understated. And there's an undercurrent of flavor (maybe the blue cornflower?) that's putting me off.
It has made me realize how bold I like my Earl Grey. (I'm a coffee drinker, so that might have something to do with it. And I'm just now getting into pour over at home.)
I actively compared the Double Cream Earl Grey with (and am currently drinking) Harney & Sons Earl Grey. The H&S is much more suited to my palate, I think. I need to try the H&S Earl Grey Supreme. I also need to retry Twinings because it was my first introduction to Earl Grey and I have fond memories of it...but it's been a while so who knows if it'll hold up.
Ah well. I have other tea drinkers in my social circle, so if none of these Friday teas hold up for me, I'll pass them along.
After reading some recommendations, I ordered a Fall sampler and a Double Cream Earl Grey from Friday Afternoon Tea.
So far, I'm underwhelmed.
Part of me has wondered if my taste buds need resetting...but I'm actively comparing to other teas I have (right now that's largely Harney & Sons and TeaPigs) and those two are coming out ahead.
The Punkin Pie Rooibos was okay after an extended steep in a cup strainer. The Caramel Apple was the same (steeped in a French Press, five minutes, then 10 after an initial taste proved it not strong enough). I still have four other fall flavors to try, including a pumpkin chai; I'm hoping one of them might really hit home.
Saddest of all is the Double Cream Earl Grey. I wanted to like it. It sounded good. It's too understated. And there's an undercurrent of flavor (maybe the blue cornflower?) that's putting me off.
It has made me realize how bold I like my Earl Grey. (I'm a coffee drinker, so that might have something to do with it. And I'm just now getting into pour over at home.)
I actively compared the Double Cream Earl Grey with (and am currently drinking) Harney & Sons Earl Grey. The H&S is much more suited to my palate, I think. I need to try the H&S Earl Grey Supreme. I also need to retry Twinings because it was my first introduction to Earl Grey and I have fond memories of it...but it's been a while so who knows if it'll hold up.
Ah well. I have other tea drinkers in my social circle, so if none of these Friday teas hold up for me, I'll pass them along.
Time for another "Good Idea/Bad Idea"
Sep. 10th, 2026 09:29 amSomeone at United Airlines had the bright idea to do a "flyover memorial" over Denver, on Friday, September 11th, with a passenger plane escorted by F16s.
I really want to see the person whose brainchild this was because....what in the seven levels of hell made them think that memorializing a day, when civilians died via crashing planes, with a military escorted flyover was a good idea? (They were quickly absolved of that notion once word got out.)
Bless their little heart...I don't memorialize Sept 11th. I was not personally affected. I was also not surprised that such a thing happened, given US foreign policies/general meddling. At the time, I did know people in the New York area who were affected and they had whatever support I could give them from 2,000 plus miles away in Arizona.
I think a lot of my reticence to be tangled in any kind of official remembrance comes from the amount of absolutely jingoistic posturing that arose in the days after. Then came the hate crimes, the war, a nouveau McCarthy era.
I don't begrudge anyone personally affected their time for memorial or reflection. Lives were upended. Death is almost always a tragedy.
For the rest of the US...
When we can scoff and dismiss the terror and violence used on people in this country throughout its history or get up in arms about changing the names of holidays or mountains or monuments to not glorify people associated with massacres, or wave flags in the air and yell about "my freedom" to mouth breathe on everyone during an ongoing pandemic when, at the time, we were losing a 9/11s worth of people every week due to Covid...
When more people have died from diseases related to the air quality after 9/11, when those people and more have been struggling for years to have their medical needs taken care of by an indifferent or lying power structure...
Our alleged national grief is shallow and performative.
Adventures in Sleep Deprivation
Sep. 3rd, 2026 11:36 amSince Silver is now the last kiddo standing, we've tried to make her realize that she can come into our bedroom.
This is a hard lesson because we did kick her out sometime in 2020/2021-ish because she had a long bout of refusing to settle down and just walked across me half the night. I don't know if it was her anxiety or her sleeping most of the day or what, but it wasn't tenable. She also had some bouts of spraying around the same time, likely brought on by Chirp being sick.
Last night, Matt actually brought her up after I got settled. She explored around the bed a little and then settled on top of me for a while, before getting up and leaving. Which was fine.
Then not too long after that she came back into the room, yowling. Okay, I figured, she has a wrapper (wrappers from protein bars, chocolate bars, any packaging she can get her paws on are her favorite toys). If I ignore her, maybe she'll settle down. She got louder before finally dropping multiple octaves until it sounded like she was talking to herself in whispered meows.
Then she got back on the bed and lay next to me. I put my hand on her and she settled. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, she was in the floor yowling again.
And the night went on like this: yowl, join me on the bed, settle, I fall asleep, she leaves, yowls...
About 3:30, I scooped her up mid yowl and we went to the living room and laid on the couch, where she actually seemed to sleep.
This morning, I realized she'd carried all of her wrappers from the living room up to the bedroom. I picture her thinking "I'm moving in!"
You are welcome to move in, Silver. But not like this.
I feel like I was just starting to recover my sleep from the last few weeks only to be rubber banded right back to brain fog hell.
I'm going to set up a soft area with her heating pad(s) next to the bed. And we won't actively bring her into the room tonight. And if she shows up and starts yowling, the fan will be set on its highest setting and the door will be closed.
I'd like for her to be able to get to us at night and join us in bed, but sleep is way too precious these days.
I went to bed hoping to be more active today. That's not going to happen...though I should make it a point to try and at least do some mobility work.
This is a hard lesson because we did kick her out sometime in 2020/2021-ish because she had a long bout of refusing to settle down and just walked across me half the night. I don't know if it was her anxiety or her sleeping most of the day or what, but it wasn't tenable. She also had some bouts of spraying around the same time, likely brought on by Chirp being sick.
Last night, Matt actually brought her up after I got settled. She explored around the bed a little and then settled on top of me for a while, before getting up and leaving. Which was fine.
Then not too long after that she came back into the room, yowling. Okay, I figured, she has a wrapper (wrappers from protein bars, chocolate bars, any packaging she can get her paws on are her favorite toys). If I ignore her, maybe she'll settle down. She got louder before finally dropping multiple octaves until it sounded like she was talking to herself in whispered meows.
Then she got back on the bed and lay next to me. I put my hand on her and she settled. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, she was in the floor yowling again.
And the night went on like this: yowl, join me on the bed, settle, I fall asleep, she leaves, yowls...
About 3:30, I scooped her up mid yowl and we went to the living room and laid on the couch, where she actually seemed to sleep.
This morning, I realized she'd carried all of her wrappers from the living room up to the bedroom. I picture her thinking "I'm moving in!"
You are welcome to move in, Silver. But not like this.
I feel like I was just starting to recover my sleep from the last few weeks only to be rubber banded right back to brain fog hell.
I'm going to set up a soft area with her heating pad(s) next to the bed. And we won't actively bring her into the room tonight. And if she shows up and starts yowling, the fan will be set on its highest setting and the door will be closed.
I'd like for her to be able to get to us at night and join us in bed, but sleep is way too precious these days.
I went to bed hoping to be more active today. That's not going to happen...though I should make it a point to try and at least do some mobility work.
Of Florals
Sep. 1st, 2026 12:48 pm
My supervisor organized a flower delivery. She is right in that the Division has a soft spot for fur babies.
With the added bouquet, we have quite a few lovely flowers on our table.
The bouquet on the right, with the yellow lilies is one I bought last Tuesday. I wanted something bright in the house. The small bouquet in the middle with the daisies, frothy white flowers and sunflower is what Dr. L brought with her Wednesday.
I think I'm going to keep getting flowers for the table. At least somewhat regularly.
Traveling Through
Aug. 30th, 2026 04:33 pmFeeling less raw today than yesterday, let alone the day before. Which isn't to say I'm not still tearing up at random. I expect that will go on for a while.
Yesterday, we had our Farewell to Summer pool party (technically not the last one, we're doing a redux next weekend) with the usual suspects. I'd scheduled it before the week turned itself upside down. A storm came through in the middle of it, but that gave us time for food and chat before getting back to pool fun.
The party broke up early (by which I mean 8:30/9pm), which is a bit unusual, but honestly, by 9:30, my body was already thinking it was edging close to midnight.
I actually slept decently last night, not waking up until the light started to seep in around the curtains. A first in the past week or so.
We met the usual suspects for lunch at a pho place, then grabbed coffee (iced tiramisu latte for me) and headed back home.
And now I'm sitting here at my desk with my window open to the grey day; the wind coming through actually has a cooling factor to it and it smells strongly of rain. A herald of the turning season. Though it's supposed to be back to the 90s mid-week.
I'm drinking my Beloved Veil tea from Ritualcravt, which feels appropriate this week, this space on the seasonal calendar. There's something nostalgic about the cinnamon and star anise.
Silver seems to be doing okay.
On Wednesday, we'd brought her over to Mithril after she'd passed and let her sniff. She hissed and backed away with wide eyes. But I think it's helped. She seemed a bit mopey Thursday and Friday, but less so Saturday and today. (I'm not sure how much I'm projecting onto her.) She has done a little bit of searching. Staring at the library bay window, checking under the TV. Spots where she'd seen Mithril the most over the last couple of weeks. But maybe it's settling in; she's just checking. Just to be sure.
I'm trying to keep both her and myself on our typical schedule. Which is a little funny because that schedule got skewed the last few weeks, which probably explains why I'm in my office and she's upstairs on the couch.
Ah well.
I'm feeling the need to play a little Dishonored. I need something grey and tragic. I'm also contemplating some fic events for October. Fictober or Whumptomber, maybe. And I wouldn't mind focusing any prompts that strike me on Dishonored.
Summer of Clones came to an end this month. I have three works in progress to show for it, and one or two more ideas. I'd like to get at least one of those done in the coming weeks.
I wish I was someone who could turn sadness into creativity, but that's never worked very well for me. Still, I was missing writing before I started on the prompts this summer. And I've been missing in the last few weeks when I haven't had the brain cells to devote to anything but home, cats and work.
So onward I go.
Yesterday, we had our Farewell to Summer pool party (technically not the last one, we're doing a redux next weekend) with the usual suspects. I'd scheduled it before the week turned itself upside down. A storm came through in the middle of it, but that gave us time for food and chat before getting back to pool fun.
The party broke up early (by which I mean 8:30/9pm), which is a bit unusual, but honestly, by 9:30, my body was already thinking it was edging close to midnight.
I actually slept decently last night, not waking up until the light started to seep in around the curtains. A first in the past week or so.
We met the usual suspects for lunch at a pho place, then grabbed coffee (iced tiramisu latte for me) and headed back home.
And now I'm sitting here at my desk with my window open to the grey day; the wind coming through actually has a cooling factor to it and it smells strongly of rain. A herald of the turning season. Though it's supposed to be back to the 90s mid-week.
I'm drinking my Beloved Veil tea from Ritualcravt, which feels appropriate this week, this space on the seasonal calendar. There's something nostalgic about the cinnamon and star anise.
Silver seems to be doing okay.
On Wednesday, we'd brought her over to Mithril after she'd passed and let her sniff. She hissed and backed away with wide eyes. But I think it's helped. She seemed a bit mopey Thursday and Friday, but less so Saturday and today. (I'm not sure how much I'm projecting onto her.) She has done a little bit of searching. Staring at the library bay window, checking under the TV. Spots where she'd seen Mithril the most over the last couple of weeks. But maybe it's settling in; she's just checking. Just to be sure.
I'm trying to keep both her and myself on our typical schedule. Which is a little funny because that schedule got skewed the last few weeks, which probably explains why I'm in my office and she's upstairs on the couch.
Ah well.
I'm feeling the need to play a little Dishonored. I need something grey and tragic. I'm also contemplating some fic events for October. Fictober or Whumptomber, maybe. And I wouldn't mind focusing any prompts that strike me on Dishonored.
Summer of Clones came to an end this month. I have three works in progress to show for it, and one or two more ideas. I'd like to get at least one of those done in the coming weeks.
I wish I was someone who could turn sadness into creativity, but that's never worked very well for me. Still, I was missing writing before I started on the prompts this summer. And I've been missing in the last few weeks when I haven't had the brain cells to devote to anything but home, cats and work.
So onward I go.
What people don't tell you...
Aug. 27th, 2026 07:34 amWhat you do think about if you're me...
But what still doesn't hit home until it's actually happening...
When you go from four cats to one cat, over a period of six years, is how utterly empty a house feels.
Even when we were down to the two girls, while it was quieter, though that was in large part because Slinky was incredibly loud the last couple years of his life — a mix of hearing loss and dementia, I think, which...he made it to 19, so he earned it — the house still felt full.
I know right now some of this is the raw nerve of grief amplifying silence and making things seem larger, more hollow.
But damn.
I told Silver she has to give me at least nine months before she can descend into any kind of aging/ailment related nonsense. She and her sister were littermates, so now I'm nervous.
But what still doesn't hit home until it's actually happening...
When you go from four cats to one cat, over a period of six years, is how utterly empty a house feels.
Even when we were down to the two girls, while it was quieter, though that was in large part because Slinky was incredibly loud the last couple years of his life — a mix of hearing loss and dementia, I think, which...he made it to 19, so he earned it — the house still felt full.
I know right now some of this is the raw nerve of grief amplifying silence and making things seem larger, more hollow.
But damn.
I told Silver she has to give me at least nine months before she can descend into any kind of aging/ailment related nonsense. She and her sister were littermates, so now I'm nervous.
On Monday, when we made the appointment, I was questioning myself. Am I misreading? Am I moving too fast?
This morning, when it took over an hour for the anti-nausea to kick in, when I scooped you up from the couch and felt you tremble and held you for fifteen minutes until the pain medication kicked in and you were ready to move around, I stopped questioning myself.
We got two more weeks with you. Most of the days were good.
Cats don't comprehend future the way humans do. What you know is the moment.
One of the things I read while rolling the question around in my head was to think about your cat's five favorite things. If they're not doing one of them, maybe their quality of life is still fine. If they're not doing three of them, then maybe it's time to think about whether they're enjoying their life.
You used to pounce your sister (just a month ago, you did this). You slept, luxuriously, in the sun in one of the three beds in the bay library window, for hours on end. You would use your mouth to fling your mouse or feather toy and yowl as you did it. You would run around the house, legs straight under you, moving at a rapid clip, as if you'd missed a meeting; Matt and I would tell each other you had Important Cat Business. You would watch birds and squirrels on TV and sometimes outside.
Over the last few weeks, you no longer pounced your sister. You no longer slept for hours in the sun; over the last handful of days, I wondered if you slept much at all. Over the weekend, your Important Cat Business turned into restless roaming. The birds on TV only caught your attention in a small, good moment, buoyed by Buprenorphine.
This weekend, you lost interest in the treats you'd loved for years, in the new freeze dried treats you'd devoured a week ago. You loved the new kibble and then you didn't.
You sought our company, in between moments of restlessness or when the painkillers settled in. Your butt button - as we called the inevitable rising of your rear end and the coy flicks of your tail whenever a pet trailed from your head down your back - started to malfunction, working at times, but not others.
Your world was already small, contained to us, your sister, this house, the time and entertainment we gave. But it grew smaller.
On Monday, we made the appointment.
And today, we said goodbye.
Dr. L. was amazing. I was glad to have a vet you'd seen when you were well.
You got to stuff yourself on Churu treats, which you'd never much cared for before, before she gave you the first of the series of shots. Mild sedation, which probably hit you harder because you were so small and you hadn't really slept in days.
We stroked your head as you settled on your emotional support plastic bag (the one some breakfast burritos had come in two weeks ago) and whispered encouraging words to you as Dr. L gave you the deeper sedation which cats sometimes react badly to. You didn't. You relaxed and laid your head down.
When you were deeply asleep, Matt and Dr. L carried you to your window and placed you on your flat bed. I laid down behind you. The sun shone on my back. I had the windows open. I could hear the birds chattering. I think you heard them too.
And I hope you heard my voice as I stroked your head and told you how brave you were, how sweet you were, how good you were and that you were loved.
I also told you that it was okay, that you didn't need to linger.
And very soon after the final shot, you were gone.
Good girl.
This morning, when it took over an hour for the anti-nausea to kick in, when I scooped you up from the couch and felt you tremble and held you for fifteen minutes until the pain medication kicked in and you were ready to move around, I stopped questioning myself.
We got two more weeks with you. Most of the days were good.
Cats don't comprehend future the way humans do. What you know is the moment.
One of the things I read while rolling the question around in my head was to think about your cat's five favorite things. If they're not doing one of them, maybe their quality of life is still fine. If they're not doing three of them, then maybe it's time to think about whether they're enjoying their life.
You used to pounce your sister (just a month ago, you did this). You slept, luxuriously, in the sun in one of the three beds in the bay library window, for hours on end. You would use your mouth to fling your mouse or feather toy and yowl as you did it. You would run around the house, legs straight under you, moving at a rapid clip, as if you'd missed a meeting; Matt and I would tell each other you had Important Cat Business. You would watch birds and squirrels on TV and sometimes outside.
Over the last few weeks, you no longer pounced your sister. You no longer slept for hours in the sun; over the last handful of days, I wondered if you slept much at all. Over the weekend, your Important Cat Business turned into restless roaming. The birds on TV only caught your attention in a small, good moment, buoyed by Buprenorphine.
This weekend, you lost interest in the treats you'd loved for years, in the new freeze dried treats you'd devoured a week ago. You loved the new kibble and then you didn't.
You sought our company, in between moments of restlessness or when the painkillers settled in. Your butt button - as we called the inevitable rising of your rear end and the coy flicks of your tail whenever a pet trailed from your head down your back - started to malfunction, working at times, but not others.
Your world was already small, contained to us, your sister, this house, the time and entertainment we gave. But it grew smaller.
On Monday, we made the appointment.
And today, we said goodbye.
Dr. L. was amazing. I was glad to have a vet you'd seen when you were well.
You got to stuff yourself on Churu treats, which you'd never much cared for before, before she gave you the first of the series of shots. Mild sedation, which probably hit you harder because you were so small and you hadn't really slept in days.
We stroked your head as you settled on your emotional support plastic bag (the one some breakfast burritos had come in two weeks ago) and whispered encouraging words to you as Dr. L gave you the deeper sedation which cats sometimes react badly to. You didn't. You relaxed and laid your head down.
When you were deeply asleep, Matt and Dr. L carried you to your window and placed you on your flat bed. I laid down behind you. The sun shone on my back. I had the windows open. I could hear the birds chattering. I think you heard them too.
And I hope you heard my voice as I stroked your head and told you how brave you were, how sweet you were, how good you were and that you were loved.
I also told you that it was okay, that you didn't need to linger.
And very soon after the final shot, you were gone.
Good girl.
I woke up this morning...
Aug. 3rd, 2026 08:54 am...to a sky gone hazy and faintly yellow as the weather beginning to shift brings the wildfire smoke back to town. And on this day, an article from the Union of Concerned Scientists: A World Ablaze: The Climate Future We Feared is Here.
And I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the fact that we had so much data years and years and years ago predicting exactly this but those in power and those who pay for those in power have kept on full drill ahead, because they can.
The air quality is supposed to be worse tomorrow, which is lovely timing because I have to take Mithril to the vet again.
Her pancreas levels were elevated at the end of June, though the rest of her bloodwork was beautiful. And she was eating just fine. The only reason I took her to the vet was because she'd been very vocal and I wanted to make sure nothing was amiss. I guess something was.
We just did two weeks of Cerenia to see if that would help cull the inflammation/pain. But I weighed her on Friday and she's dropped from 8.9lbs at the end of June to 8.2lbs at the end of July, even though she's continued eating. So that tells me it wasn't enough and she's not absorbing nutrients the way she should.
We had her stable from end of January through end of June. I'm wondering if this heat wave has caused her to flare more.
I'm hoping we can get her stable and her weight back up again. She's still, by and large, a playful, engaged and happy cat.
And I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the fact that we had so much data years and years and years ago predicting exactly this but those in power and those who pay for those in power have kept on full drill ahead, because they can.
The air quality is supposed to be worse tomorrow, which is lovely timing because I have to take Mithril to the vet again.
Her pancreas levels were elevated at the end of June, though the rest of her bloodwork was beautiful. And she was eating just fine. The only reason I took her to the vet was because she'd been very vocal and I wanted to make sure nothing was amiss. I guess something was.
We just did two weeks of Cerenia to see if that would help cull the inflammation/pain. But I weighed her on Friday and she's dropped from 8.9lbs at the end of June to 8.2lbs at the end of July, even though she's continued eating. So that tells me it wasn't enough and she's not absorbing nutrients the way she should.
We had her stable from end of January through end of June. I'm wondering if this heat wave has caused her to flare more.
I'm hoping we can get her stable and her weight back up again. She's still, by and large, a playful, engaged and happy cat.
Welcome August
Aug. 1st, 2026 09:05 amI feel like a broken record saying things like "I can't believe it's [insert date here]" which I swear I've done multiple times over the past seven months. Every time I work on slowing down, I feel like life just sweeps me up and smacks me on the ass and says "nope, there's stuff to do" and that stuff (work, self maintenance, cat care, chores) makes the days and weeks disappear.
I suppose that's the eternal battle once you realize you need to work on your expansion of time so you don't feel like life is just vanishing before your eyes.
So to expand time, this morning, I'm sitting on the floor of my living room, back against the couch, right leg tucked up under me. Coffee is at hand. Matt's on the couch near me, playing (or trying to) with Silver with her little feather wand.
The light coming in through the library window feels different. I noticed this last August 1st, too. The slant is different, perhaps. Or maybe it's me, my perception of time, knowing that autumn is (technically, by the calendar) just around the corner. I've already noted the shift in night falling, the darkness creeping in just a bit earlier each night.
August has always been a bittersweet month. For years, the closing of summer and the gearing up for school in the fall. When you're on that kind of schedule for so many years of your life, the feeling becomes ingrained in you, even when that cycle comes to an end.
In spite of the shifting of light and darkness, however, the temperatures are reminding me that summer isn't letting go yet. The high today is 94°F/34°C and tomorrow it's 101°F/38°C. And I may need to force myself to sit outside (in the shade of course) or to get in the pool (toward the later end of the day) to take in the feel of it all because if we actually get a winter this year, I know I'll be missing the warmth and light.
I suppose that's the eternal battle once you realize you need to work on your expansion of time so you don't feel like life is just vanishing before your eyes.
So to expand time, this morning, I'm sitting on the floor of my living room, back against the couch, right leg tucked up under me. Coffee is at hand. Matt's on the couch near me, playing (or trying to) with Silver with her little feather wand.
The light coming in through the library window feels different. I noticed this last August 1st, too. The slant is different, perhaps. Or maybe it's me, my perception of time, knowing that autumn is (technically, by the calendar) just around the corner. I've already noted the shift in night falling, the darkness creeping in just a bit earlier each night.
August has always been a bittersweet month. For years, the closing of summer and the gearing up for school in the fall. When you're on that kind of schedule for so many years of your life, the feeling becomes ingrained in you, even when that cycle comes to an end.
In spite of the shifting of light and darkness, however, the temperatures are reminding me that summer isn't letting go yet. The high today is 94°F/34°C and tomorrow it's 101°F/38°C. And I may need to force myself to sit outside (in the shade of course) or to get in the pool (toward the later end of the day) to take in the feel of it all because if we actually get a winter this year, I know I'll be missing the warmth and light.
The Friday Five for July 31st
Aug. 1st, 2026 08:32 amFrom![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thefridayfive
Well, these were some thinky questions. The three answers for each are just the first things that came to mind, not necessarily my true top answers. I wrote most of these yesterday but then didn't get back to a computer for fine tuning until just now.
1. Who are your three favorite book characters?
Ghost from Poppy Z. Brite's Lost Souls and various short stories. Ghost is soft and sweet, sarcastic and steadfast, with the gift of the sight.
Phouka from Emma Bull's War for the Oaks, which I have been meaning to re-read since it's been...well, it feels like 20 years. I'm not sure if that's accurate. Phouka is, as the name suggests, a trickster faery who, in this novel, resembles Prince. I remember enjoying a lot of his lines and overall characterization. I remember him coming off as a bit of a jerk but a heart warming jerk.
Granny Weatherwax. I haven't read a lot of Terry Pratchett (and I need to read more, particularly featuring the witches), but she's definitely cemented as a favorite. In part because I want to be like her in having that unshakeable belief in my own abilities and being able to terrify people when needed.
2. What are your three favorite things to wear?
Sleeveless tops, leggings, skirts. In some variation. This is practically my uniform, anymore. Though I am slowly introducing some t-shirts back into my wardrobe (especially after my earlier summer experience with some photosensitivity issues after using lactic acid).
3. What are your three pet peeves?
I definitely have way more than three, but off the top of my head:
Tailgaters (not the party in the parking lot people, but the ones who ride your bumper because they either didn't leave early enough or they have absolutely no spatial awareness).
People who stop in the middle of the grocery store aisle to talk on their phone or chat with someone they ran into. (Move over.)
People who leave items in places where they don't belong, especially in a grocery store (why did you put a pack of ground beef on the shelf with the bread, you heathen?)
...I have a lot of grocery store pet peeves, apparently.
4. What are your three favorite TV shows?
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Eureka
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
5. What are three things you wish you could do?
Draw what I picture in my head.
Teleport, so I can reach places with ease and not have to fly or drive. (I love driving road trips, but if I need to be somewhere, being able to close my eyes, tap my heels and get myself there would be so great.)
Make my gluteal tendinopathy vanish with a few solid workouts... (Tendons love load, but my god do you have to baby them so you don't do too much too fast).
thefridayfive Well, these were some thinky questions. The three answers for each are just the first things that came to mind, not necessarily my true top answers. I wrote most of these yesterday but then didn't get back to a computer for fine tuning until just now.
1. Who are your three favorite book characters?
Ghost from Poppy Z. Brite's Lost Souls and various short stories. Ghost is soft and sweet, sarcastic and steadfast, with the gift of the sight.
Phouka from Emma Bull's War for the Oaks, which I have been meaning to re-read since it's been...well, it feels like 20 years. I'm not sure if that's accurate. Phouka is, as the name suggests, a trickster faery who, in this novel, resembles Prince. I remember enjoying a lot of his lines and overall characterization. I remember him coming off as a bit of a jerk but a heart warming jerk.
Granny Weatherwax. I haven't read a lot of Terry Pratchett (and I need to read more, particularly featuring the witches), but she's definitely cemented as a favorite. In part because I want to be like her in having that unshakeable belief in my own abilities and being able to terrify people when needed.
A witch ought never to be frightened in the darkest forest... because she should be sure in her soul that the most terrifying thing in the forest was her.
2. What are your three favorite things to wear?
Sleeveless tops, leggings, skirts. In some variation. This is practically my uniform, anymore. Though I am slowly introducing some t-shirts back into my wardrobe (especially after my earlier summer experience with some photosensitivity issues after using lactic acid).
3. What are your three pet peeves?
I definitely have way more than three, but off the top of my head:
Tailgaters (not the party in the parking lot people, but the ones who ride your bumper because they either didn't leave early enough or they have absolutely no spatial awareness).
People who stop in the middle of the grocery store aisle to talk on their phone or chat with someone they ran into. (Move over.)
People who leave items in places where they don't belong, especially in a grocery store (why did you put a pack of ground beef on the shelf with the bread, you heathen?)
...I have a lot of grocery store pet peeves, apparently.
4. What are your three favorite TV shows?
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Eureka
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
5. What are three things you wish you could do?
Draw what I picture in my head.
Teleport, so I can reach places with ease and not have to fly or drive. (I love driving road trips, but if I need to be somewhere, being able to close my eyes, tap my heels and get myself there would be so great.)
Make my gluteal tendinopathy vanish with a few solid workouts... (Tendons love load, but my god do you have to baby them so you don't do too much too fast).
Bringing the Past Over
Jul. 28th, 2026 09:17 amSince I just realized I don't have an import of my personal Livejournal (rather this journal started as an import of my fanfic Livejournal), I'm going to import that today.
So if something really weird happens...this post stands as a notice.
Well, then...
Jul. 27th, 2026 07:34 pmI was just on Reddit, on my desktop PC, looking up some info when I got the "Join the most real place on the internet" lightbox that doesn't allow you to continue browsing without making an account/logging in.
I knew they were doing this with mobile. I didn't expect it so soon on the desktop version of the site. Old Reddit still works for the moment. But what an absolute clusterfuck.
Google's become an AI answer machine that farms content largely from Reddit, so instead of Googling things, I've just been lazily going to that particular source and now the Reddit PTB would like to completely wall that off from anyone without an account (which I don't have because I deleted it after getting completely screwed by their automoderation system with no sense of an appeal forthcoming).
We need the 90s/early 00s internet back.
Six Sentence Sunday
Jul. 26th, 2026 05:09 pmSix Sentence Sunday: Post six sentences from whatever you're working on, if you're game! Folks who don't want to make their own posts are very welcome to share their snippets here.
From one of my Summer of Clones fics (that I haven't touched in two weeks - I need to get on it).
From one of my Summer of Clones fics (that I haven't touched in two weeks - I need to get on it).
She’s waiting for him when he arrives, dressed down in a sleeveless tunic, loose linen pants and boots; her dark hair is drawn into a single long braid. She has a full satchel thrown over her shoulder. Echo doesn’t see her lightsaber, but he knows she’ll have it somewhere within easy reach.
He stops just long enough for her to jump on the speeder. She’s warm and soft against his back and when her arms wrap around his waist, one palm flattening against the bottom of his ribs, just under his heartbeat, he feels his stomach flutter the way it always does when she touches him. Part disbelief, part anticipation.
Rememberances
Jul. 26th, 2026 11:52 am20 years ago this past week, on July 21st, my uncle Steve called my mom to tell her that Richard had died.
Richard was the youngest of my dad's siblings. And he left this world just like his father had 23 years earlier: a massive heart attack. My grandfather's was in the front seat of his car at the parking lot of a McDonald's (and that reads a lot like a darkly comedic Southern Gothic novel); Richard's was in the sleeper cab of his truck at a truck stop. The engine of his truck was still running, which is what ultimately alerted the kid who called the highway patrol.
It took days to get his body back to Chattanooga. We buried him on the 27th.
I wrote about this 20 years ago and I'm not going to rehash it here.
I've mostly been mulling over the time.
I'm the same age Richard was when he died. I turned 43 in April. He would have turned 44 that October.
I keep hearing the Green Day line "twenty years has gone so fast" echoing in my head. I heard that song when it came out and though I appreciated it, it definitely doesn't hit you when you're 21 and in college and thinking of what you'll be doing with yourself in the days and months after graduation the way it does when you're 43 and looking back on the expanse between then and now. The good and the bad, the easy and the hard. And how it's all managed to fit into such a shortnotshort amount of time.
A year later felt like a decade.
20 years later feels like a moment.
The Friday Five for July 24th
Jul. 24th, 2026 11:18 am1. What is your cellphone wallpaper?
Two pieces of Bad Batch fan art by Uzuri. The lock screen is Tech, the wallpaper is Echo.
2. Are you sunrise, daylight, twilight, or nighttime? Why?
All of the above? As a teenager, I was definitely a night owl. But as I've gotten older - and especially now as I slide into middle age - I really appreciate all the times of day. They each have their charm.
There's a hush in the early morning, around sunrise, that can't be replicated any other time of day. I particularly love getting up at zero fuck o'clock to get started on a road trip and watching the sky lighten as I drive.
Despite the current heat wave and my skin being more sensitive to sun and heat these days, I still love a good sunbeam. Especially one coming through a window where I can curl up in a cozy spot and bask. And there's a lot to be said for a bright summer day lounging by a pool.
Twilight, dusk, has its own beauty that changes with the seasons. Spring is soft and temperate, summer dusk brings a rush of nostalgia, autumn feels strangely full of possibility and winter twilight inspires the need for hot drinks and blankets, good books or games.
And night is always mystical. I'd like to do more nighttime exploration but I have to put my energy on one side of the day or another and right now, morning is winning.
3. What season would you be?
Spring, I think, currently.
Where I live, it's a moody season. You can go from blizzards to the epitome of a perfect spring day to a mid-summer heat wave all in the span of a week. It feels fitting.
4. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Initially, a veterinarian. Then I got interested in reading and writing and writing became my focus. And that's kind of where I ended up.
I'd pictured writing fiction for a living, but once I actually got to the point of trying...I realized how much I hated turning something I really enjoyed into a grind for money. So now I write technical/educational content in the form of eLearning courses (with jaunts over the years into things like handbooks, facilitation and participation guides, etc.).
5. Have you ever been told you look like someone famous? Who was it?
Quite often.
The one I've gotten a handful of times is Kate Beckinsale (sometimes specified as "Kate Beckinsale in Van Helsing"). I've also gotten Neve Campbell, Liv Tyler, and Catherine Zeta Jones, a few times.
Then there were two outliers: Scarlett Johansson and Gina Lollobrigida.
I mean...I'll take all of those.
Two pieces of Bad Batch fan art by Uzuri. The lock screen is Tech, the wallpaper is Echo.
2. Are you sunrise, daylight, twilight, or nighttime? Why?
All of the above? As a teenager, I was definitely a night owl. But as I've gotten older - and especially now as I slide into middle age - I really appreciate all the times of day. They each have their charm.
There's a hush in the early morning, around sunrise, that can't be replicated any other time of day. I particularly love getting up at zero fuck o'clock to get started on a road trip and watching the sky lighten as I drive.
Despite the current heat wave and my skin being more sensitive to sun and heat these days, I still love a good sunbeam. Especially one coming through a window where I can curl up in a cozy spot and bask. And there's a lot to be said for a bright summer day lounging by a pool.
Twilight, dusk, has its own beauty that changes with the seasons. Spring is soft and temperate, summer dusk brings a rush of nostalgia, autumn feels strangely full of possibility and winter twilight inspires the need for hot drinks and blankets, good books or games.
And night is always mystical. I'd like to do more nighttime exploration but I have to put my energy on one side of the day or another and right now, morning is winning.
3. What season would you be?
Spring, I think, currently.
Where I live, it's a moody season. You can go from blizzards to the epitome of a perfect spring day to a mid-summer heat wave all in the span of a week. It feels fitting.
4. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Initially, a veterinarian. Then I got interested in reading and writing and writing became my focus. And that's kind of where I ended up.
I'd pictured writing fiction for a living, but once I actually got to the point of trying...I realized how much I hated turning something I really enjoyed into a grind for money. So now I write technical/educational content in the form of eLearning courses (with jaunts over the years into things like handbooks, facilitation and participation guides, etc.).
5. Have you ever been told you look like someone famous? Who was it?
Quite often.
The one I've gotten a handful of times is Kate Beckinsale (sometimes specified as "Kate Beckinsale in Van Helsing"). I've also gotten Neve Campbell, Liv Tyler, and Catherine Zeta Jones, a few times.
Then there were two outliers: Scarlett Johansson and Gina Lollobrigida.
I mean...I'll take all of those.
July Media Post
Jul. 23rd, 2026 02:06 pmReading
I think I've been doing a bit more collecting than reading over the last month.
What I have been reading is sips of poetry... Though I did actually read through the entirety of Kate Baer's What Kind of Woman. (And I just realized I hadn't been mentally counting books of poetry toward my book reading goal for the year. So I just addressed that in Goodreads. I'm now at 7 books read. Which, while still feeling paltry compared to the me of my late teens and early 20s, is so much better than me just a few years ago.)
Various Star Wars novels are still in my queue.
And I also picked up The Other Side of the Night: The Carpathia, the Californian, and the Night the Titanic Was Lost by Daniel Allen Butler. (I've had Oceanliner Designs playing in the background on YouTube and the algorithm started sending me down the Titanic rabbit hole and...well...here we are.)
Watching
Speaking of the Titanic rabbit hole, last night I noticed that A Night to Remember (1958) was on Tubi. I'd never seen it before. (I thought I had, for a hot minute, but realized what I'd actually seen was the depiction of Titanic sinking in the 1964 musical film The Unsinkable Molly Brown, which was forced on my class by my sixth grade music teacher.) I do think, if you've seen one Titanic movie, you've seen them all (obviously, the end result is the same), but getting a more detailed look at the crew's actions and the Carpathia's rescue efforts was illuminating.
Other than that, I haven't been watching many shows or movies lately, just a lot of streams or YouTube vids from various Minecrafters.
Listening
I made a Moody Summer playlist for a recent pool party and that's been on repeat on and off for the last two weeks. It features gems like The Church's "Under the Milky Way"; Love and Rockets' "So Alive"; The Mission's "Lay Your Hands on Me"; Joy Division's "Heart and Soul" and more Goth and New Wave sounds reminiscent of summer.
Playing
R.E.P.O has been at the front of my playlist the last week or so.
I finally got Matt to play it with me. He'd been resistant for a long time, saying the game was stressful (meanwhile he'll play Deeprock on Hazard Level 4 while chatting with people). Ultimately, I think he was expecting me to get annoyed with him dying...but...like half the fun and humor of the game is watching your teammates get yeeted into pits or snatched by weird monsters. Either way, he got over it and we've enjoyed several hours long gaming sessions, occasionally joined by another friend.
The only real hiccup was when we tried to play the other night he kept having a ridiculously high ping. So we either hit the servers at a time when everyone else was also playing or something was up with them.
I've played R.E.P.O. solo and it just doesn't hit the same. Solo, it's definitely more of a horror game and you're far more tense because if you die, that's your run ended.
I think I've been doing a bit more collecting than reading over the last month.
What I have been reading is sips of poetry... Though I did actually read through the entirety of Kate Baer's What Kind of Woman. (And I just realized I hadn't been mentally counting books of poetry toward my book reading goal for the year. So I just addressed that in Goodreads. I'm now at 7 books read. Which, while still feeling paltry compared to the me of my late teens and early 20s, is so much better than me just a few years ago.)
Various Star Wars novels are still in my queue.
And I also picked up The Other Side of the Night: The Carpathia, the Californian, and the Night the Titanic Was Lost by Daniel Allen Butler. (I've had Oceanliner Designs playing in the background on YouTube and the algorithm started sending me down the Titanic rabbit hole and...well...here we are.)
Watching
Speaking of the Titanic rabbit hole, last night I noticed that A Night to Remember (1958) was on Tubi. I'd never seen it before. (I thought I had, for a hot minute, but realized what I'd actually seen was the depiction of Titanic sinking in the 1964 musical film The Unsinkable Molly Brown, which was forced on my class by my sixth grade music teacher.) I do think, if you've seen one Titanic movie, you've seen them all (obviously, the end result is the same), but getting a more detailed look at the crew's actions and the Carpathia's rescue efforts was illuminating.
Other than that, I haven't been watching many shows or movies lately, just a lot of streams or YouTube vids from various Minecrafters.
Listening
I made a Moody Summer playlist for a recent pool party and that's been on repeat on and off for the last two weeks. It features gems like The Church's "Under the Milky Way"; Love and Rockets' "So Alive"; The Mission's "Lay Your Hands on Me"; Joy Division's "Heart and Soul" and more Goth and New Wave sounds reminiscent of summer.
Playing
R.E.P.O has been at the front of my playlist the last week or so.
I finally got Matt to play it with me. He'd been resistant for a long time, saying the game was stressful (meanwhile he'll play Deeprock on Hazard Level 4 while chatting with people). Ultimately, I think he was expecting me to get annoyed with him dying...but...like half the fun and humor of the game is watching your teammates get yeeted into pits or snatched by weird monsters. Either way, he got over it and we've enjoyed several hours long gaming sessions, occasionally joined by another friend.
The only real hiccup was when we tried to play the other night he kept having a ridiculously high ping. So we either hit the servers at a time when everyone else was also playing or something was up with them.
I've played R.E.P.O. solo and it just doesn't hit the same. Solo, it's definitely more of a horror game and you're far more tense because if you die, that's your run ended.
Life was quieter and slower in the 90s.
That's a loaded statement, isn't it?
A reminiscence of the "good old day" perhaps?
But there's some truth to it that's not just a rose-tinted memory.
There's so much noise in the current world. Apps everywhere trying to get your attention, people trying to sell you their app. Advertisements in your face (on the sides of mass transit, the sides of buildings, the screens at the gas station, in between the movie or show you're trying to watch on a streaming service you pay for that used to not have ads, interrupting the article you're reading, masquerading as a post from an individual on any one of the social media sites out there). Influencers producing Olympic loads of content to garner your attention. 24 hour news and doom cycles with clickbait headlines. Notifications going off on your phone, from emails to meditation reminders to "you haven't posted in a while" nonsense to random announcements from apps you didn't even think you allowed notifications on (Roku, I installed you for the remote, stop sending me announcements about sportsball).
We exist in a blitzkrieg of noise.
How can someone even think with everything going on around us?
Or maybe that's the point. We can't. I'm suddenly reminded of George Bergeron, having his thoughts constantly interrupted by loud noises from a radio transmitter he's forced to wear.
Possible portents of doom/conspiracy theories aside...the noise is too much.
I didn't realize how much until the last couple of years, coming fully out of the pandemic mode I'd put myself in. From 2020 through sometime in 2023, I existed in stillness, in moments of breathe and appreciation and creation. And sometime in the last couple of years that's slipped away. Some of it due to the world ramping up again, some of it due to habits I've fallen into.
Habits I'm now trying to correct.
Gone are most of the streaming services Matt and I used to use. Gone is most of the social media that used to vie for my attention. Recognized is this indelible pressure coming from all sides — even in spaces that used to be slower and freer from the larger world, like fandom — telling us to consumeconsumeconsume and move on to the next thing before we've digested.
I've been looking back at my teenage years, even my early 20s years. What did I do with my time? If I wasn't in school or I wasn't hanging out with people, what was I doing?
I was swimming. I was going for walks around my neighborhood. I was holed up in my room reading, in silence or with music playing in the background. Sometimes I was just listening to music, with the window open and a fresh breeze coming in and maybe incense burning and creating strong memories of sound and scent. I was writing, long hand, because this was before accessible-to-me laptops. Sometimes I was on the family computer writing or reading fanfic or building a website or editing photos. Sometimes I was watching movies or shows; really watching, not hanging out on a pocket computer while something plays in the background.
And the world was quieter and slower. Less tangled. More discrete. Easier to find stillness. And from there, creation.
That's what I'm looking for.
That's the balance I need.
That's a loaded statement, isn't it?
A reminiscence of the "good old day" perhaps?
But there's some truth to it that's not just a rose-tinted memory.
There's so much noise in the current world. Apps everywhere trying to get your attention, people trying to sell you their app. Advertisements in your face (on the sides of mass transit, the sides of buildings, the screens at the gas station, in between the movie or show you're trying to watch on a streaming service you pay for that used to not have ads, interrupting the article you're reading, masquerading as a post from an individual on any one of the social media sites out there). Influencers producing Olympic loads of content to garner your attention. 24 hour news and doom cycles with clickbait headlines. Notifications going off on your phone, from emails to meditation reminders to "you haven't posted in a while" nonsense to random announcements from apps you didn't even think you allowed notifications on (Roku, I installed you for the remote, stop sending me announcements about sportsball).
We exist in a blitzkrieg of noise.
How can someone even think with everything going on around us?
Or maybe that's the point. We can't. I'm suddenly reminded of George Bergeron, having his thoughts constantly interrupted by loud noises from a radio transmitter he's forced to wear.
Possible portents of doom/conspiracy theories aside...the noise is too much.
I didn't realize how much until the last couple of years, coming fully out of the pandemic mode I'd put myself in. From 2020 through sometime in 2023, I existed in stillness, in moments of breathe and appreciation and creation. And sometime in the last couple of years that's slipped away. Some of it due to the world ramping up again, some of it due to habits I've fallen into.
Habits I'm now trying to correct.
Gone are most of the streaming services Matt and I used to use. Gone is most of the social media that used to vie for my attention. Recognized is this indelible pressure coming from all sides — even in spaces that used to be slower and freer from the larger world, like fandom — telling us to consumeconsumeconsume and move on to the next thing before we've digested.
I've been looking back at my teenage years, even my early 20s years. What did I do with my time? If I wasn't in school or I wasn't hanging out with people, what was I doing?
I was swimming. I was going for walks around my neighborhood. I was holed up in my room reading, in silence or with music playing in the background. Sometimes I was just listening to music, with the window open and a fresh breeze coming in and maybe incense burning and creating strong memories of sound and scent. I was writing, long hand, because this was before accessible-to-me laptops. Sometimes I was on the family computer writing or reading fanfic or building a website or editing photos. Sometimes I was watching movies or shows; really watching, not hanging out on a pocket computer while something plays in the background.
And the world was quieter and slower. Less tangled. More discrete. Easier to find stillness. And from there, creation.
That's what I'm looking for.
That's the balance I need.
June Media Post
Jun. 9th, 2026 08:34 amI skipped May. Whoops.
Reading
Finished
Watching
Given the big sadness of Anthony Steward Head's recent death, I just started a Buffy rewatch. The fact that I'm now the age both he and Kristine Sutherland (Buffy's mom) were when the show started gives me pause. Because the 90s were only a decade ago, you know? The episode "Band Candy" has been hitting different with every re-watch.
Listening
Nothing on the listening front.
Playing
A lot of my time has been spent playing, of late.
Star Wars: Outlaws
A few weeks back, a friend reminded me that Star Wars: Outlaws was a thing that existed. I've already beat the game once and I'm on my second play through at a harder difficulty. Time in game so far? 150.2 hours.
The game didn't do well on release. A combination of the typical games not being truly ready at release wonkery, a very hefty dose of sexism and misogyny and "anti-woke" bullshit (which you can see throughout some of the negative reviews on Steam) and "no one hates Star Wars like Star Wars fans" nonsense. But it's...absolutely fine. The story isn't anything groundbreaking and there's some repetition in the level designs and quests, but it's a fun game. The world is gorgeous and it's great to be able to jump between several systems and explore the planets available as you want.
There was a sequel in the works but it was canceled due to the lackluster beginnings. Frankly, Star Wars fans are the big reason why Star Wars fans can't get more of the things we love.
That game has got me wanting to go back and play Knights of the Old Republic and maybe the Jedi Knight games too. (I'd started Jedi Academy years ago but never finished it.)
And, of course, I still need to play Jedi Survivor.
Firewatch
I don't remember what prompted me to add Firewatch to my list, but I'm glad I did. It was a good story to play through. Full of beauty and tragedy. A microcosm of life.
Arcadia Cafe
This game is labeled as domestic horror. It's a bit of work-horror sim. I got it as part of a Ukranian Horror bundle on Steam, along with No One Lives Under the Lighthouse and Dread Fields.
It was pretty short and did end rather abruptly and I think there was a thread or two that could have been pulled to make a more cohesive story, but overall it was a good slice of life horror. Dread Fields is already giving me shivers.
Reading
Finished
Garden Spells by Sara Addison Allen. A magical family. A town that looks at them side eyed. A sentient apple tree. It has the feel of Practical Magic, without the same depth of world building. The prose was lovely and the magic was subtle and sometimes amusing. I might pick up the sequel.
Started
The Clone Wars by Karen Traviss. It's a novelization of The Clone Wars movie. Given I'm trying to participate in a Summer of Clones event over on Tumblr, I felt like diving into some other people's take on the clones/the war might be good inspiration.
Karen Traviss also wrote the Republic Commando series of novels for Star Wars. I've sort of started the second one - Triple Zero - but it's sitting on hold at the moment. I'll get back to it after The Clone Wars, I think.
Re-Read
Lost Souls by Poppy Z. Brite. A novel I've read so many times over the last few decades. In addition to Patricia McKillip, Poppy Z. Brite is up there as one of my favorite lyrical prose writers. I re-read Lost Souls every handful of years or whenever I fall into a pit of writer's block. It's always helped draw me back out and find joy in words again.
Watching
Given the big sadness of Anthony Steward Head's recent death, I just started a Buffy rewatch. The fact that I'm now the age both he and Kristine Sutherland (Buffy's mom) were when the show started gives me pause. Because the 90s were only a decade ago, you know? The episode "Band Candy" has been hitting different with every re-watch.
Listening
Nothing on the listening front.
Playing
A lot of my time has been spent playing, of late.
Star Wars: Outlaws
A few weeks back, a friend reminded me that Star Wars: Outlaws was a thing that existed. I've already beat the game once and I'm on my second play through at a harder difficulty. Time in game so far? 150.2 hours.
The game didn't do well on release. A combination of the typical games not being truly ready at release wonkery, a very hefty dose of sexism and misogyny and "anti-woke" bullshit (which you can see throughout some of the negative reviews on Steam) and "no one hates Star Wars like Star Wars fans" nonsense. But it's...absolutely fine. The story isn't anything groundbreaking and there's some repetition in the level designs and quests, but it's a fun game. The world is gorgeous and it's great to be able to jump between several systems and explore the planets available as you want.
There was a sequel in the works but it was canceled due to the lackluster beginnings. Frankly, Star Wars fans are the big reason why Star Wars fans can't get more of the things we love.
That game has got me wanting to go back and play Knights of the Old Republic and maybe the Jedi Knight games too. (I'd started Jedi Academy years ago but never finished it.)
And, of course, I still need to play Jedi Survivor.
Firewatch
I don't remember what prompted me to add Firewatch to my list, but I'm glad I did. It was a good story to play through. Full of beauty and tragedy. A microcosm of life.
Arcadia Cafe
This game is labeled as domestic horror. It's a bit of work-horror sim. I got it as part of a Ukranian Horror bundle on Steam, along with No One Lives Under the Lighthouse and Dread Fields.
It was pretty short and did end rather abruptly and I think there was a thread or two that could have been pulled to make a more cohesive story, but overall it was a good slice of life horror. Dread Fields is already giving me shivers.
The Friday Five for June 5th
Jun. 7th, 2026 12:36 pmTime for the thefridayfive
1. Do you enjoy reading?
Yes. I have for as long as I can remember. Over the last two decades, between undergrad and graduate school and life, I've fallen in and out of the reading habit, but as soon as I find something that speaks to me, I will wallow in words.
2. What is the first book you remember reading?
Katie the Kitten. It was A Little Golden Book, I believe. My dad read it to me many times and then I learned to read it myself...and he actually had me read it back to front to test that I hadn't just memorized it. (When I started school, my teacher told him he didn't need to do that. That I was in fact reading.)
3. Who is your favourite author?
That's a tough one. I've had several over the years. One I always return to is Patricia McKillip. She had such a lyrical writing style. Poetic prose. She was a big influence on my own writing style.
4. What is your favourite book?
Two come to mind.
Something Rich and Strange by Patricia McKillip. It was part of the Froud Faerielands books of the early 90s and between the story, the lyrical prose and the environmental themes, it just hit all the right spots for me the first time I read it and it's stayed with me for decades.
Then there's Phantom by Susan Kay, which is a biography of Erik, the Phantom of the Opera. In the late 90s, I got very into Leroux and Webber and went on a bender reading different takes on Leroux's novel or additional stories set in that universe. And Kay's is probably the most poignant. It's actually time for another re-read...it's been about a decade.
5. What is the last book you read and the first you'll read next?
The last book was Garden Spells by Sara Addison Allen. I've also been re-reading Lost Souls by Poppy Z. Brite. (I often re-read that one when I'm struggling with writers block. It always helps me get out of my own head.)
I'm already onto my next new read, which is The Clone Wars by Karen Traviss.
After that, it might be Wild Space by Karen Miller. Or I may jump back to the "To Read in 2026" list I created at the end of last year, in which case, I'm not sure. Maybe Once Were Warriors by Alan Duff. It's been on my active list for the last couple of years now, ever since I watched the movie (which I watched because I wanted to see more of Temuera Morrison's work. Yep. Star Wars led me there.)
