raptureofthemoon | Entries tagged with journal

a small grey robin, wings slightly spread, nestled in the grass

Sadly, she didn't make it.

Matt texted the wildlife rehab yesterday. She had a spinal injury and they had to euthanize her. Seems like maybe she did hit a window. It might not have been ours (she was propelling herself pretty well along the ground at one point so it's possible she could have come from our neighbor's yard)...but still, I think I'll be looking into some anti-collision devices.

This is the second bird vs window this year. The first bird I found dead in the backyard, near the library window. (Granted, this is the first year since we've been in the house that I've found evidence of birds hitting our windows, so hopefully it doesn't and won't happen often.)

Current Mood: contemplative

I'm in the kitchen, chopping onions for 15 bean soup. Portishead plays from the library. Outside the kitchen window, the sun sparkles off the golden leaves falling from the ash trees. Behind me, Matt swears softly as he puts together a Wayfair pantry.

The scene is strangely nostalgic, as if it or something similar has played out many times before.

I take a moment to think about it. It has.

Front and center in my life as an adult, being the person in the kitchen, behind the menus and the music choices.

Adjacent in my life as a child and teenager. How many years did I spend watching or listening to my mom cooking, while music or the TV - Star Trek: The Original Series, or Highlander, or Quantum Leap - played from the living room.

There are so many moments these days that splice past and present. I'm not sure whether it's me being maudlin or just a side effect of growing older.

I can be cooking chicken and rice and flash back to any random weeknight dinner in high school with my mom setting the same dish on the table.

The lyric of a song I haven't listened to in years puts me in my old granny-hand-me-down Buick, driving to see Matt after an afternoon class.

The sunlight slants a certain way through the leaves and I'm with my dad in the hills around Oberkail, having a picnic and watching the sunlight and shadow roll over the fields.

A deep blue and cloudless midsummer sky takes me to Phoenix, long summer days by the pool, three night sleepovers with my bestie, late nights reading, writing, dreaming.

So often, these days, I find myself thinking: where the hell did all the time go?

And then one of these flashes happens.

And the hours and weeks, months and years and all the things contained within them come back to me.

Time hasn't disappeared. It's been spent.

Current Mood: thoughtful

From

thefridayfive

1. Do you ever wonder if the way you see things visually aren't how other people see them?

Oh, I'm certain I do. Both literally (most of the people I know wear glasses of varying prescriptions) and figuratively (picking out patterns and being whimsical and fantastical is a past time).

2. What kind of sounds are the most annoying?

Very erratic ones. I can handle a lot of noises at most volumes, but when the noise comes and goes with no pattern, it grates on my nerves.

Also, pretty much any noise when I'm looking for an address or a parking spot.

3. When walking through a store, do you shop with your hands by touching/feeling the texture of things?

When I shop, I'm usually shopping with intention - hunting for a specific thing or a non-specific thing that I know I'll recognize when I find it. In short, yes.

Before I buy anything, be it a dish, a towel, decor, furniture, etc., I have to touch it. Turn it over if it can be turned over. Test its weight. Feel its texture. If it can be opened, I look inside it. If it's for sitting or lying on, I do that.

4. If you could only smell three scents for the rest of your life, what would they be?

Off the top of my head, I'll say: nag champa, storms, and coffee. There's nothing quite like the smell of a storm (I realize, I could've said petrichor, but there's more to a storm than that); nag champa is one of my favorite perfume oil scents and one I wear often; and coffee...reminds me of so many good times, home and creativity and my favorite people. There's a reason I have coffee scented candles tucked throughout my office.

5. What sorts of things do you savor when eating them?

Pizza. Coffee. Van Leeuwen's Black Cherry Chip ice cream. Tiramisu. (There are probably many more things I should savor. I'm working on that.)

There's a certain, not quite definable change when the year turns from August to September.

It must be more internal than external. The world doesn't shift that much in a single day, from 31st to 1st.

But the light feels different this morning. Brighter, distant, a touch colder. The air is softer, sweeter. The world more hushed (a highlight after yesterday's end of summer pool/birthday party bustle).

The ash trees are greener against the cobalt sky. The honey locust has already been shaking loose some of its pinnate leaves. I've left them lying in the front yard; they're turning gold in the scorch of the afternoon sunlight. The lemon balm is lush and green, the wild bergamot has gone leggy and the Drops of Jupiter is starting to don its purple blush in preparation for fall.

The equinox is just around the corner.

And I'm not ready for the descent into the dark.

I do love the autumn. I love the shift in the weather, the change of the leaves, green chili roasting, the accessibility of pumpkin spice and apple spice to feed my coffee and tea habits. I even like getting the yard and plants prepared for winter and future spring.

But I feel like I just climbed out of the dormant season. I feel like it was just spring. Fall can't be just around the corner, winter lurking behind it.

It doesn't help that winter has been a season of cat loss over the last five years. Our 14-year-old orange tabby on January 5th, 2021 and our 19-year-old grey grump on December 10th of 2024.

I've told the remaining two girls they have to keep chugging along for a while. They can't go anywhere this year. I need a buffer.

Also, they will be my last pets.

At least for a while. My heart needs a rest. As does my brain.

It's too hard trying to do much away from home when you have pets, especially as they get older. The girls are 16. I feel guilty for leaving them too long. And worried something will happen while I'm away. Which is partly why our upcoming trip to see family has been stressing me out. They'll be well looked after. Our neighbor is doing the bulk of the work and a friend is coming by once a day to give lunch and socialization/play.

I had been looking forward to this trip when we first planned it, over a year ago. It's been delayed three times, on account of house upkeep (a new roof our insurance kept giving us the run around about) and cat health (a flare of pancreatitis and inflammatory bowel back in the spring) and having to plan around the work schedules of two adults.

Now it's largely feeling like an obligation trip, but I'm hoping I can find pleasure in the slow travel and keep the cat mom worries and guilt at bay until we're back and I can settle into the coming autumn from the comfort of home.

Current Mood: contemplative

It's been long enough since I used this site, I've half forgotten how it works... (Like riding a bike, it comes back quickly.)

I was going through my old LiveJournal a bit earlier. (I admit, I was feeling a little nostalgic. A little maudlin).

I started that journal in September of 2001. I was 18.

It's nearly September, 2025. I'm 42.

You wonder where the years go...and with a journal like that, you can quickly and easily see the progression from smart but not-quite-wise teenager to smarter and wiser 20-something to smart, jaded and tired 30-something who trails off on posting because there is just too much stuff on the daily to spend time navel gazing the way she used to, especially when it comes to navel gazing online in a semi-public forum.

But I do miss journaling like this, taking the time to write about my day or dump out whatever thoughts were swirling in my head. (I've tried long hand journaling this year with a mix of bullet and traditional and I'm finding it to be...mostly a reminder of how fast time flies. I plan to finish the journal, but I need to revisit my approach in 2026.)

I miss the connections I used to make. (Some people I still have as friends here on Dreamwidth. Some I carried over to other social media for a while. Some have disappeared into ether of the internet. Some of have died.)

I'm still planning to keep this mostly as a fandom oriented space (though, as you can see - well "you" being the nebulous idea of a person who may actually be reading this blog from time to time - I don't even post fandom related content very often, as my creativity has taken a dive over the last however long) but with maybe the occasional visit to what I'm doing or thinking on the day to day.

Current Mood: contemplative

Dreaming through the noise.

Writing through the haze.

Entries tagged with journal

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