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This journal is a mix of public and friends only. All fanfiction, as well any general postings that I don't think are too personally identifying or intimate to share, will be public. This journal does contain an import of my original LiveJournal that I started in 2001, when I was 18. So don't look too hard at the older entries...there was a lot of late teen angst and likely some inordinately bitchy posts while I was figuring out who I was. But I'm not deleting it. Because it's my history.
Who am I?
An Xennial. A taciturn, introverted word lover. I'm a writer (largely fandom but also original stuff) and instructional designer. I dabble in other artsy things (art journaling, gelli printing, mixed media). I drink too much coffee. I love a good witchy aesthetic (black lace, lots of greenery, random altars, beautiful tarot cards) and the feeling of ritual, but don't read me wrong: I'm an atheist and skeptic. I live with my husband and two cats.
I'm trying to slow down a bit.
Media Log: Jan 2026
Jan. 6th, 2026 08:00 amRead and Reading
I manged to finish 10 books in 2025. These first two were my last reads for the year; the Moraine was my first read of 2026:
Goddess of Filth by V. Castro
The writing is fair. The story was enjoyable, overall, but I feel like it didn't really deliver at the end. The characters came off as one dimensional, some of the flashbacks felt clunky and I think there was really too much story trying to be delivered in a shorter format. I'm curious if it might have been better fleshed out as a longer novel.
The Haunting of Gillespie House by Darcy Coates
The popcorn read. I admit, I picked it up partly because Gillespie is a family name on my mom's side. It's a quick read. Not much depth to the main character, nothing readily unique about the prose, creep factor is extremely mild. Lifetime Movie Horror. I don't know if Coates' cozy horror style is going to appeal to me, but I may try one more book from her.
Your Shadow Half Remains by Sunny Moraine
The premise was interesting enough for me to buy the book new. I like Moraine's writing style, in general. It's obvious this was inspired by/driven by the pandemic. Good atmosphere and suspense. It's a definite case of unreliable narrator. I think pacing was a bit of an issue in places and there wasn't a whole lot of character development, but overall, an interesting read.
Currently Reading:
The Gales of November: The Untold Story of the Edmund Fitzgerald by John Bacon
Not really a review. I'm over 100 pages in and both enjoying the history and shaking my head at the hubris that lead to so much tragedy on the Lakes.
Alice by Christina Henry
Just started. 30 pages in and, so far, yes. I like the writing style and the atmosphere and I'm interested to see where it goes. This is my first Christina Henry. I have Good Girls Don't Die sitting on my shelf and I thought about starting that one first, but the madness won me over.
Watched and Watching
I watched some movies while I was off: Scrooge (1979), A Muppet Christmas Carol, Krampus (all three of these at a friend's house during a holiday watch party), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (a longtime favorite I watch pretty much every winter, if not multiple times per year), Christmas Vacation (this might be my dad's favorite Christmas movie).
And there's been plenty more YouTube videos about maritime disasters as well as plenty of Minecraft videos.
But I'm not really in "watch mode" right now. Even while watching YouTube, I'm likely to be working on the stencil for my bathroom revamp or building something in Minecraft. I just can't put my whole mind into absorbing things passively, at the moment.
Playing
I've been revisiting the Dishonored series, specifically Dishonored 2 and Death of the Outsider. (Though I may have to return to the first game because I don't think I finished my run last year.) This series is both bleak and hopeful, which feels apropos of the time. It's probably apropos of anytime, honestly.
This is one game that when I return to it, I realize how much I missed the atmosphere. The whole thing is a work of art. I'd love to have some of the oil paintings you see throughout the world. Where I would put them is anyone's guess...
And Minecraft, of course. Still exploring, still building. I even started the tree for a forthcoming Christmas Village. Whether I'll work on it year round is a question.
come and gone
Dec. 31st, 2025 06:38 pmAnother December, another Christmas come and gone. Another year about to begin.
I badly needed this time off.
I badly needed this time off.
And I badly need to keep up, not the momentum, but some of the habits I've been cultivating over the last week and a half. Which is staying off social media more often (largely not a problem, save for the wasted time I spend on Reddit) and reading more, be it in fits and spurts or in a long sitting.
I actually managed to read 10 books this year, which is more than I read last year, and probably more than I've read in a year since I graduated undergrad in 2006. Something about English degrees just royally fuck up your momentum.
I gamified my reading for the year by making it a challenge on Good Reads. (My challenge was eight books.)
Of the 10 books, at least two were "meh." One of them because it was a very easy (simple writing, fairly formulaic) popcorn read. While I have nothing against popcorn, I don't want to read popcorn just to inflate my book count for the year, just to hit a challenge goal.
I'll keep setting challenges, but I'm going to make it a point to sink my teeth into the somewhat meatier books I have on my list. Maybe I don't finish them quickly, but whatever. I just need to keep up the reading habit. I miss it when I'm not doing it.
And with those habits increased, I'm hoping they'll lead to an increase in other habits (particularly writing).
On this New Year's Even, I'm not making any big resolutions apart from building these habits and continuing the ones I've already built.
Though I am planning a project for this January, and maybe February, which will be writing a haiku a day to get back into wording.
The last two times I've done a month of haiku, I published them on my WordPress blog. This time, I might keep them for myself and see if I can do something else with them at a later date.
Happy New Year.
I've always loved a good ghost story. And ghost stories are often rooted in tragedy.
And there's nothing so terrifying and desperately lonely as tragedy striking on the sea.
Or in the Great Lakes, which are, for all intents and purposes, a freshwater sea.
This November was the 50th anniversary of the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald.
I used to watch those CD compilation commercials in the late 90s and there was one for the classics from the 70s and I remember hearing a snippet of Gordon Lightfoot's "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald." At some point, somewhere, I'd come across the fact that it was based on a true story.
But I never looked into it, until recently.
And it took hold of me. For a couple of reasons, I think.
One reason being that it happened in 1975, in a time when we, societally, thought we were so modern, so advanced. That we had it all figured out. We had these beastly ships that could carry thousands of tons of ore year over year. We had weather satellites to keep us ahead of storms. And yet, one of these beastly ships - a maritime rock star so robust in size and build people thought it was unsinkable - disappeared into a storm within 10 minutes of its last radio contact with the Arthur M. Anderson.
The other being how capitalism destroys things. The push to break records, to haul more, to haul faster, to keep going through storms...all of that so shareholders could make profit, led to the loss of 29 lives.
In the few decades prior to the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald, there were great wrecks and large losses of life (the SS Daniel J. Morrel in '66 and the SS Carl D. Bradley in 58 - and that's just in the few decades prior), but in the 50 years since the Fitz went down, no commercial ships have sunk on the Great Lakes.
It took not just a tragedy, but a repeat tragedy buoyed by a beautifully haunting song to make a change to the commercial shipping industry.
Word Play #1
Nov. 20th, 2025 02:28 pmfat lightning slices the night
explores the forest
the shadows where
i drink strange water
from a cask
in the wild earth
it tastes of dark champagne
the only thing that
stills the monster
sleeping beneath my breast
explores the forest
the shadows where
i drink strange water
from a cask
in the wild earth
it tastes of dark champagne
the only thing that
stills the monster
sleeping beneath my breast
shift in light, shift in mood
Nov. 17th, 2025 12:34 pmEver since the time changed, I've had so much trouble motivating myself to work.
As it gets colder and the sunlight gets weaker and I keep my curtains drawn so my office is a gray and purple cocoon lit only by corner lamps...all I want to do is play video games. Specifically, at the moment, Minecraft.
I think it's my way of hibernating.
Unluckily, the work I am doing right now is fairly mentally tedious. Which makes it even harder to be engaged.
I suspect there's a little burnout too. Not just from work, but from lack of true downtime and the general state of the US and the world.
I'm really looking forward to five days off next week and my two weeks off in December.
As it gets colder and the sunlight gets weaker and I keep my curtains drawn so my office is a gray and purple cocoon lit only by corner lamps...all I want to do is play video games. Specifically, at the moment, Minecraft.
I think it's my way of hibernating.
Which is fine for the weekends.
But extra frustrating during the week. I find myself going back and forth between working on course updates for half an hour then spending 10 to 15 minutes on our server.
Luckily, I'm not working on anything big at the moment. (And hopefully will not be working on anything big for the foreseeable future. (We've planned our 2026 to be focused more on updates to our course catalog than new development, with the new development that was already on the roster being done by our vendor and maybe our new hire.)Unluckily, the work I am doing right now is fairly mentally tedious. Which makes it even harder to be engaged.
I suspect there's a little burnout too. Not just from work, but from lack of true downtime and the general state of the US and the world.
I'm really looking forward to five days off next week and my two weeks off in December.
November in a Fugue
Nov. 16th, 2025 04:18 pmI forgot this place existed for a moment.
For all of my trying to slow down, once Halloween hit, I spent two weeks in a mental flurry. I'm not sure why. But between the election, my day in-office and trying to corral course updates, the days slipped by in a flash. And now it's about to be mid-November... This is my problem with being frenetically busy. I lose all track of the moment.
I spent the last week trying to recapture it. I've been slowly putting up winter/solstice/Christmas decorations since last weekend. My little white tree went up in its place on the bookcase (though it's currently naked). I have garlands and lights strung on multiple surfaces. I found a few new decorations from creators on Etsy that I'm excited about. Over the years I've been slowly adjusting my decor to be more nature oriented - foliage and wreathes and snowflakes and stars; of course, I'm keeping the hand me down decor from my mom, it just may not go up every year.
Tomorrow (or maybe later tonight - it's 4:30 in the afternoon, but thanks to the time change it already feels so late), I'll start decorating the tree. As soon as I can pinpoint where my lights got off to.
I decided to save this weekend for food prep, though I only got done not even half of what I had in mind. Saucy black beans for tacos (today) and to freeze for later use and chocolate granola. I left the hazelnuts in an obvious place to remind myself to make nutella. And when I get to the grocery store on Friday, I'll be focusing on meat and produce for present and future meals. Chuck roast for shredded green chile beef (date TBD), adobo shredded chicken to keep in batches in the freezer for ease of use (I may be trying out the crockpot for this one).
Meals and the ideas of meals take up so much of my mental space these days, between trying to eat well and keep up with my protein, I'm hoping if I start planning a little further ahead, I'll have less nights where I'm cranky and hating even the idea of thinking of what the prepare, let alone eat.
For all of my trying to slow down, once Halloween hit, I spent two weeks in a mental flurry. I'm not sure why. But between the election, my day in-office and trying to corral course updates, the days slipped by in a flash. And now it's about to be mid-November... This is my problem with being frenetically busy. I lose all track of the moment.
I spent the last week trying to recapture it. I've been slowly putting up winter/solstice/Christmas decorations since last weekend. My little white tree went up in its place on the bookcase (though it's currently naked). I have garlands and lights strung on multiple surfaces. I found a few new decorations from creators on Etsy that I'm excited about. Over the years I've been slowly adjusting my decor to be more nature oriented - foliage and wreathes and snowflakes and stars; of course, I'm keeping the hand me down decor from my mom, it just may not go up every year.
Tomorrow (or maybe later tonight - it's 4:30 in the afternoon, but thanks to the time change it already feels so late), I'll start decorating the tree. As soon as I can pinpoint where my lights got off to.
I decided to save this weekend for food prep, though I only got done not even half of what I had in mind. Saucy black beans for tacos (today) and to freeze for later use and chocolate granola. I left the hazelnuts in an obvious place to remind myself to make nutella. And when I get to the grocery store on Friday, I'll be focusing on meat and produce for present and future meals. Chuck roast for shredded green chile beef (date TBD), adobo shredded chicken to keep in batches in the freezer for ease of use (I may be trying out the crockpot for this one).
Meals and the ideas of meals take up so much of my mental space these days, between trying to eat well and keep up with my protein, I'm hoping if I start planning a little further ahead, I'll have less nights where I'm cranky and hating even the idea of thinking of what the prepare, let alone eat.
And speaking of meals, Thanksgiving is Friendsgiving, so I'm not thinking about what to cook. (Though I may make a dessert to take along. Yam Delight, perhaps.)
And I've already penciled in Dec 1st for PTO, so I'll have a nice five day break and I've planned off two weeks around Christmas. So I can actually get my staycation in this year and maybe invest in a little slow time to get my brain to come down from the stratosphere.
Seasons and shifts
Nov. 3rd, 2025 09:16 amHalloween was a moderate success. This year we gave out the small Tony's Chocolonely bars, ring pops and a mix of toys: plush spiders, bouncy balls shaped like bats and Halloween themed rubber ducks. The toys were a big hit. The chocolate...I think a lot of kids didn't realize it was there, even when pointed out. The ring pops were popular last year, mostly among the teenagers, of which we had fewer this year. Next year, I might do small grab bags and have the kids pick a toy.
By 8 p.m., we'd had what seemed to be the last trick or treaters, but as always we left the candy on the table so whoever might come by late could take what they wanted. We expect someone to make off with all the candy - that's fine. But this year...they also made off with the bowl the candy was in. Little shits. Take the candy, I don't care. Just leave the bowl.
Next year, I'll be using a cardboard box.
Saturday, November 1st. Samhain, still. Dia de los Muertos. All Saints Day. And the annual Halloween party. I always end up lazy by the end of October and whatever ideas I had for costumes have either gone out the proverbial window or have just not been acted upon, so I threw on some green eye shadow and glitter, green lipstick, a set of horns, spiderweb arm warmers and called myself a dark fairy who'd lost her wings.
Making up the night were food, sweets and old horror movies playing in the background. I finally watched Carnival of Souls all the way through. (I'd tried once, years ago, when I was a teenager, and couldn't hang with the pacing.)
Sunday, November 2nd. I did not realize it was the shift back to standard time until I woke up at 10 to 7 wondering why it was so bright outside. So I've been an hour off since yesterday morning. The "fall back" is definitely easier on the system than the "spring forward," but I'm still loopy and groggy and would rather we just stopped with the time changing nonsense.
Tomorrow, I have to go into the office for a Division meeting/my quarterly "in office" time. There's a lunch pot luck, which means I need to bake this afternoon.
I think today is going to be a wash on the work front. There are two meetings mid-day and I am struggling to get my brain moving. It's already 9:30. Luckily, I finished the work I needed to get done (in order to pass a storyboard off to our vendor) last week, so I'm back to "updates and tweaks" mode for our course catalog. Meaning, if I drag for the next couple of days, no one is really going to care.
Yay.
By 8 p.m., we'd had what seemed to be the last trick or treaters, but as always we left the candy on the table so whoever might come by late could take what they wanted. We expect someone to make off with all the candy - that's fine. But this year...they also made off with the bowl the candy was in. Little shits. Take the candy, I don't care. Just leave the bowl.
Next year, I'll be using a cardboard box.
Saturday, November 1st. Samhain, still. Dia de los Muertos. All Saints Day. And the annual Halloween party. I always end up lazy by the end of October and whatever ideas I had for costumes have either gone out the proverbial window or have just not been acted upon, so I threw on some green eye shadow and glitter, green lipstick, a set of horns, spiderweb arm warmers and called myself a dark fairy who'd lost her wings.
Making up the night were food, sweets and old horror movies playing in the background. I finally watched Carnival of Souls all the way through. (I'd tried once, years ago, when I was a teenager, and couldn't hang with the pacing.)
Sunday, November 2nd. I did not realize it was the shift back to standard time until I woke up at 10 to 7 wondering why it was so bright outside. So I've been an hour off since yesterday morning. The "fall back" is definitely easier on the system than the "spring forward," but I'm still loopy and groggy and would rather we just stopped with the time changing nonsense.
Tomorrow, I have to go into the office for a Division meeting/my quarterly "in office" time. There's a lunch pot luck, which means I need to bake this afternoon.
I think today is going to be a wash on the work front. There are two meetings mid-day and I am struggling to get my brain moving. It's already 9:30. Luckily, I finished the work I needed to get done (in order to pass a storyboard off to our vendor) last week, so I'm back to "updates and tweaks" mode for our course catalog. Meaning, if I drag for the next couple of days, no one is really going to care.
Yay.
A to Z, A Fanfic Meme
Oct. 27th, 2025 01:35 pmI'm jumping on the bandwagon, because I was actually curious.
Rules: How many letters of the alphabet have you used for [starting] a fic title? One fic per line, 'A' and 'The' do not count for 'a' and 't'. Post your score out of 26 at the end, along with your total fic count.
The Fics
And the Force Will Lead Them (Star Wars | QuiObi and Vampires)
Bad Dreams (Dishonored | Corvo and Cecilia)
The Columbarium (Cyberpunk 2077 | V says goodbye to Jackie)
Delerium (Harry Potter | Voldemore/Hermione)
The End (Fright Night 2011 | Peter & Charley, how it ends)
The Fall (Star Wars: The Bad Batch | My insistence that Tech didn't die)
Gentle (Dishonored | Daud/Corvo)
Hearts on Fire (Fallout: New Vegas | The Lone Wanderer is Courier Six)
In the Beginning (MCU | ShieldShock | Steve/Darcy | Witch!Darcy)
The Jagged Crown (Skyrim | Ulfric/Female Dragonborn Seirian)
A Kiss After Failure (Star Wars Prequels | Maul & Obi-Wan)
Lost (Star Wars | Obi-Wan, mourning)
A Moment on the Road (Skyrim | Erandur & Danae, of the Companions)
Nothing Like a Little Deus Ex Machina (Supernatural | Pre-Sabriel | Isis resurrects her favorite child)
Opening Strange Doors (Cyberpunk 2077 | V, Takemura and Vampires)
A Place Called Home (Star Wars: The Bad Batch | Echo finding his place with the Batch)
A Questionable Ensemble (Fright Night 2011 | Peter/Charley)
Raise and Call (MCU | Witch!Darcy and Gambling)
Sometime Guardian Angel (Supernatural | Balthazar resurrects Jo)
Tarts (Dishonored | The Whalers and their baker)
U
A Visit from an Archangel (Supernatural | Deus Ex Universe | Sabriel | The night before Christmas...)
What Dreams May Come (Dishonored | Daud reflects on his death and dreams)
X
Yes (Supernatural | Lucifer/Sam | The first time Sam say "yes")
Z
Rules: How many letters of the alphabet have you used for [starting] a fic title? One fic per line, 'A' and 'The' do not count for 'a' and 't'. Post your score out of 26 at the end, along with your total fic count.
The Fics
And the Force Will Lead Them (Star Wars | QuiObi and Vampires)
Bad Dreams (Dishonored | Corvo and Cecilia)
The Columbarium (Cyberpunk 2077 | V says goodbye to Jackie)
Delerium (Harry Potter | Voldemore/Hermione)
The End (Fright Night 2011 | Peter & Charley, how it ends)
The Fall (Star Wars: The Bad Batch | My insistence that Tech didn't die)
Gentle (Dishonored | Daud/Corvo)
Hearts on Fire (Fallout: New Vegas | The Lone Wanderer is Courier Six)
In the Beginning (MCU | ShieldShock | Steve/Darcy | Witch!Darcy)
The Jagged Crown (Skyrim | Ulfric/Female Dragonborn Seirian)
A Kiss After Failure (Star Wars Prequels | Maul & Obi-Wan)
Lost (Star Wars | Obi-Wan, mourning)
A Moment on the Road (Skyrim | Erandur & Danae, of the Companions)
Nothing Like a Little Deus Ex Machina (Supernatural | Pre-Sabriel | Isis resurrects her favorite child)
Opening Strange Doors (Cyberpunk 2077 | V, Takemura and Vampires)
A Place Called Home (Star Wars: The Bad Batch | Echo finding his place with the Batch)
A Questionable Ensemble (Fright Night 2011 | Peter/Charley)
Raise and Call (MCU | Witch!Darcy and Gambling)
Sometime Guardian Angel (Supernatural | Balthazar resurrects Jo)
Tarts (Dishonored | The Whalers and their baker)
U
A Visit from an Archangel (Supernatural | Deus Ex Universe | Sabriel | The night before Christmas...)
What Dreams May Come (Dishonored | Daud reflects on his death and dreams)
X
Yes (Supernatural | Lucifer/Sam | The first time Sam say "yes")
Z
My score is 23. (I was surprised I had a "Q".) My total fic count (on AO3) is 200. I have some old ones on Fanfiction.net. I didn't include those here (if I did, I think I would have gotten the "U" for Umbrageous, which was a very old HP fic.)
Sadly, she didn't make it.
Matt texted the wildlife rehab yesterday. She had a spinal injury and they had to euthanize her. Seems like maybe she did hit a window. It might not have been ours (she was propelling herself pretty well along the ground at one point so it's possible she could have come from our neighbor's yard)...but still, I think I'll be looking into some anti-collision devices.
This is the second bird vs window this year. The first bird I found dead in the backyard, near the library window. (Granted, this is the first year since we've been in the house that I've found evidence of birds hitting our windows, so hopefully it doesn't and won't happen often.)
Vaccines and Injured Birds
Oct. 23rd, 2025 03:46 pmToday was vaccine day. It's practically a morning date. Matt and I both set up appointments at the pharmacy for our flu and Covid vaccines. He also got an MMR because he's not entirely sure if he ever got that second shot, and considering the way people in the U.S. are trying to Make Measles Great Again, better safe than sorry. (I know I got my second MMR shot. I have my lovely yellow, military-brat immunization record that my mother gave to me when I moved out. But I still contemplate getting another one...just in case. Not today, though.)
I get the Covid vaccine in my left arm, the flu in my right. The very first set of Covid vaccines (April and May, 2021), made the lymph node under my left arm swell. And it got stuck that way for months, resulting in my first official mammogram. It eventually shrank back to mostly normal, but it still flares with every new Covid vaccine, so I figured instead of having a potentially wonky lymph node under both arms, I'd just keep torturing that one. But I prefer not to double up vaccines in that arm when I get the Covid shot...so both arms it is. I like to spread the pain around. It's a good thing I sleep on my back.
I'm also counting down the time to when I start feeling side effects. The second shot of the initial set of Covid vaccines gave me a fever, body aches and chills and that pattern has continued, slightly less each time. But still enough to make me curl up on the couch with several blankets and a mug of tea.
I get the Covid vaccine in my left arm, the flu in my right. The very first set of Covid vaccines (April and May, 2021), made the lymph node under my left arm swell. And it got stuck that way for months, resulting in my first official mammogram. It eventually shrank back to mostly normal, but it still flares with every new Covid vaccine, so I figured instead of having a potentially wonky lymph node under both arms, I'd just keep torturing that one. But I prefer not to double up vaccines in that arm when I get the Covid shot...so both arms it is. I like to spread the pain around. It's a good thing I sleep on my back.
I'm also counting down the time to when I start feeling side effects. The second shot of the initial set of Covid vaccines gave me a fever, body aches and chills and that pattern has continued, slightly less each time. But still enough to make me curl up on the couch with several blankets and a mug of tea.
I'm already feeling fatigue, though that could be from the not quite six and a half hours of sleep I got last night, combined with the bird rescue we had to do after the vaccine.
Before we headed to the pharmacy, I heard a skittering in the leaves and seed pods in our front yard, looked over and saw a grey ball of feathers. At first I thought she was sunning herself, but when I took a step closer and she didn't fly off, I realized something was wrong. I started looking up wildlife rehab places on the way to the pharmacy, figuring we'd try to take her somewhere if she was still there and alert by the time we got back,
She was.
What followed was a series of texts to the rehab, complete with pictures and video so they could assess the bird's condition and then an appointment for drop off a few hours later.
We got her into a shoebox with a few towels and placed the box in a warm spot. Matt checked on her right before we left to make sure she was, in fact, still among the living. She turned one dark eye toward him and smacked the side of the box with her wing.
At the rehab, they had us wait in our car. One of the volunteers came out in scrubs, gloves and a mask. They're taking bird flu seriously. They conduct their initial exam of the bird outside. They gave us an intake number and said to give them 72 hours before checking in (if we hadn't heard from them by that point). Head injuries (we're working on the assumption she hit a window) are a 72 hour, make or break.
So here's hoping she'll pull through.
But if not, at least she was able to go somewhere safe and warm for whatever time she has left.
Well, then...
Oct. 20th, 2025 09:20 amToday was the day I was going to buckle down and start plugging images into my storyboard so I can hand it off to the vendor (hopefully) by the end of this week.
But with the AWS outage, I can't access Adobe Stock with any sort of reliability. Which means, I can't complete this storyboard. I guess I can just go through and slap in the slide template numbers. And then work on accessibility on another set of courses (though I'd be loathe to publish them, given that software is also cloud based and uses AWS.)
This is all so...stupid.
a flash of life
Oct. 18th, 2025 10:42 pmI'm in the kitchen, chopping onions for 15 bean soup. Portishead plays from the library. Outside the kitchen window, the sun sparkles off the golden leaves falling from the ash trees. Behind me, Matt swears softly as he puts together a Wayfair pantry.
The scene is strangely nostalgic, as if it or something similar has played out many times before.
I take a moment to think about it. It has.
Front and center in my life as an adult, being the person in the kitchen, behind the menus and the music choices.
Adjacent in my life as a child and teenager. How many years did I spend watching or listening to my mom cooking, while music or the TV - Star Trek: The Original Series, or Highlander, or Quantum Leap - played from the living room.
There are so many moments these days that splice past and present. I'm not sure whether it's me being maudlin or just a side effect of growing older.
I can be cooking chicken and rice and flash back to any random weeknight dinner in high school with my mom setting the same dish on the table.
The lyric of a song I haven't listened to in years puts me in my old granny-hand-me-down Buick, driving to see Matt after an afternoon class.
The sunlight slants a certain way through the leaves and I'm with my dad in the hills around Oberkail, having a picnic and watching the sunlight and shadow roll over the fields.
A deep blue and cloudless midsummer sky takes me to Phoenix, long summer days by the pool, three night sleepovers with my bestie, late nights reading, writing, dreaming.
So often, these days, I find myself thinking: where the hell did all the time go?
And then one of these flashes happens.
And the hours and weeks, months and years and all the things contained within them come back to me.
Time hasn't disappeared. It's been spent.
Descents and delays
Oct. 15th, 2025 12:26 pmBusy at work again. It's not a steady busyness, it's a scattered busyness. Too many projects in too many areas in too many languages, all which need finalizing or touch ups (from important content to cosmetic) interspersed with doing interviews this week and last, and it just becomes so much white noise in my head.
It's my least favorite thing about the work I do, where I do it. This type of busyness. It bleeds into my life outside of work. It keeps my mind spinning in preparation for the next day, the next week.
Which is why I'm here, writing this entry, trying to steal back a little steadiness. But loading up this journal was also a reminder that I got sidetracked from the last moment I spent here. When I selected "post" I was confronted with my unfinished entry I started last Friday. So I'll finish it now.
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thefridayfive
1. ... things you can't live without.
Time to myself.
I'm not only an introvert, but I'm also an only child. I grew up very good at entertaining myself and being comfortable in my own company. Even in my 40s, I'm still working hard to find a balance between relationships with others and my relationship with myself. How much time do I exert outward? How much time inward?
2. ... of the best moments in your life.
Part of me wants to say the day I got married... But it's not so much the day I got married as that brief, intangible moment when it settled in me that I'd found someone I wanted to partner with in life. My husband and I have been together for 22 years. We moved in together after four years of dating (once I'd graduated college). Sometime in between that fourth year and the eighth (when we got married), came that moment.
Another best moment is seemingly surface level but there's hidden depth. For my high school graduation present, my parents took me to San Antonio to see The Phantom of the Opera at the Majestic Theatre. I dragged my best friend along with me. San Antonio itself was fun to explore but the Majestic was beautiful. And the musical? Well, I'd been listening to the original cast soundtrack for two or three years at that point, so I knew the thing by heart but I fell in love all over again hearing and seeing Ted Keegan as the Phantom.
3. ... celebrities you can't stand.
Right wing conservative podcasters/influencers. I don't think I need to delineate. They're all white cloth cutouts.
4. ... books you enjoy(ed) reading.
There are so many to choose from, but I'll pull a few from my top tier list of books I often reread.
Poppy Z. Brite's (Billy Martin) Lost Souls for its poetic language and new to me, at least, take on vampires.
Patricia McKillip's (RIP) Something Rich and Strange written for the Froud Faerielands series, which I first read when I was maybe 12 or 13 and which left an indelible mark with the use of language and the ecological themes.
Peter S. Beagle's Tamsin for its prose, his characterization of teen girls with cat best friends and the beautiful and hauntingly fun story.
Susan Kay's Phantom for taking what was a somewhat flat ghost story and spinning it into a gothic tale of grief, loss, love.
5. ... items in your purse/backpack/on your desk.
It's my least favorite thing about the work I do, where I do it. This type of busyness. It bleeds into my life outside of work. It keeps my mind spinning in preparation for the next day, the next week.
Which is why I'm here, writing this entry, trying to steal back a little steadiness. But loading up this journal was also a reminder that I got sidetracked from the last moment I spent here. When I selected "post" I was confronted with my unfinished entry I started last Friday. So I'll finish it now.
From
thefridayfive1. ... things you can't live without.
Time to myself.
I'm not only an introvert, but I'm also an only child. I grew up very good at entertaining myself and being comfortable in my own company. Even in my 40s, I'm still working hard to find a balance between relationships with others and my relationship with myself. How much time do I exert outward? How much time inward?
2. ... of the best moments in your life.
Part of me wants to say the day I got married... But it's not so much the day I got married as that brief, intangible moment when it settled in me that I'd found someone I wanted to partner with in life. My husband and I have been together for 22 years. We moved in together after four years of dating (once I'd graduated college). Sometime in between that fourth year and the eighth (when we got married), came that moment.
Another best moment is seemingly surface level but there's hidden depth. For my high school graduation present, my parents took me to San Antonio to see The Phantom of the Opera at the Majestic Theatre. I dragged my best friend along with me. San Antonio itself was fun to explore but the Majestic was beautiful. And the musical? Well, I'd been listening to the original cast soundtrack for two or three years at that point, so I knew the thing by heart but I fell in love all over again hearing and seeing Ted Keegan as the Phantom.
3. ... celebrities you can't stand.
Right wing conservative podcasters/influencers. I don't think I need to delineate. They're all white cloth cutouts.
4. ... books you enjoy(ed) reading.
There are so many to choose from, but I'll pull a few from my top tier list of books I often reread.
Poppy Z. Brite's (Billy Martin) Lost Souls for its poetic language and new to me, at least, take on vampires.
Patricia McKillip's (RIP) Something Rich and Strange written for the Froud Faerielands series, which I first read when I was maybe 12 or 13 and which left an indelible mark with the use of language and the ecological themes.
Peter S. Beagle's Tamsin for its prose, his characterization of teen girls with cat best friends and the beautiful and hauntingly fun story.
Susan Kay's Phantom for taking what was a somewhat flat ghost story and spinning it into a gothic tale of grief, loss, love.
5. ... items in your purse/backpack/on your desk.
In my purse, which is a medium sized messenger bag, I have the expected: my wallet, my keys.
There are a small handful of errant pens (because one never knows when one needs to write longhand).
When I'm actually leaving my house, into the bag goes my phone, and either a physical book or a notebook of some type or my Remarkable tablet, depending on what medium I feel like writing in.
Off Friday
Oct. 10th, 2025 09:40 amThe high today should be 72℉ and it's currently a beautiful 58. I have my office window open to let in the air and light.
Today is my off-Friday. And in the pattern of slowing things down, I'm meeting and treating a (now) former coworker to coffee this afternoon. She retired at the end of September. I haven't actually seen her in person since before we all went home to work in March of 2020. I've seen her face online just a few times. Beyond that, we've texted sporadically. We clicked pretty well as soon as I started this job and were fast compatriots on the myopic idiocy of electing a fascist once (let alone twice) as well as the abject nonsense we watched happening during the height of the pandemic.
It'll be good to catch up.
Tomorrow evening is another friend group social event but the day and Sunday are my own.
And I have a to-do list that just keeps growing. Mulch to order and sheet mulching to do, plants to cut back, patios to clean, Halloween goodies to get.
More realistically, my pattern seems to be slowing down then speeding up to catch up on things that just keep getting away from me when I slow down. The seasonal changes wait for no woman.
Today is my off-Friday. And in the pattern of slowing things down, I'm meeting and treating a (now) former coworker to coffee this afternoon. She retired at the end of September. I haven't actually seen her in person since before we all went home to work in March of 2020. I've seen her face online just a few times. Beyond that, we've texted sporadically. We clicked pretty well as soon as I started this job and were fast compatriots on the myopic idiocy of electing a fascist once (let alone twice) as well as the abject nonsense we watched happening during the height of the pandemic.
It'll be good to catch up.
Tomorrow evening is another friend group social event but the day and Sunday are my own.
And I have a to-do list that just keeps growing. Mulch to order and sheet mulching to do, plants to cut back, patios to clean, Halloween goodies to get.
More realistically, my pattern seems to be slowing down then speeding up to catch up on things that just keep getting away from me when I slow down. The seasonal changes wait for no woman.
The Friday Five: 10/3
Oct. 3rd, 2025 03:59 pmFrom thefridayfive
1. Do you ever wonder if the way you see things visually aren't how other people see them?
Oh, I'm certain I do. Both literally (most of the people I know wear glasses of varying prescriptions) and figuratively (picking out patterns and being whimsical and fantastical is a past time).
2. What kind of sounds are the most annoying?
Very erratic ones. I can handle a lot of noises at most volumes, but when the noise comes and goes with no pattern, it grates on my nerves.
Also, pretty much any noise when I'm looking for an address or a parking spot.
3. When walking through a store, do you shop with your hands by touching/feeling the texture of things?
When I shop, I'm usually shopping with intention - hunting for a specific thing or a non-specific thing that I know I'll recognize when I find it. In short, yes.
Before I buy anything, be it a dish, a towel, decor, furniture, etc., I have to touch it. Turn it over if it can be turned over. Test its weight. Feel its texture. If it can be opened, I look inside it. If it's for sitting or lying on, I do that.
4. If you could only smell three scents for the rest of your life, what would they be?
Off the top of my head, I'll say: nag champa, storms, and coffee. There's nothing quite like the smell of a storm (I realize, I could've said petrichor, but there's more to a storm than that); nag champa is one of my favorite perfume oil scents and one I wear often; and coffee...reminds me of so many good times, home and creativity and my favorite people. There's a reason I have coffee scented candles tucked throughout my office.
5. What sorts of things do you savor when eating them?
Pizza. Coffee. Van Leeuwen's Black Cherry Chip ice cream. Tiramisu. (There are probably many more things I should savor. I'm working on that.)
thefridayfive1. Do you ever wonder if the way you see things visually aren't how other people see them?
Oh, I'm certain I do. Both literally (most of the people I know wear glasses of varying prescriptions) and figuratively (picking out patterns and being whimsical and fantastical is a past time).
2. What kind of sounds are the most annoying?
Very erratic ones. I can handle a lot of noises at most volumes, but when the noise comes and goes with no pattern, it grates on my nerves.
Also, pretty much any noise when I'm looking for an address or a parking spot.
3. When walking through a store, do you shop with your hands by touching/feeling the texture of things?
When I shop, I'm usually shopping with intention - hunting for a specific thing or a non-specific thing that I know I'll recognize when I find it. In short, yes.
Before I buy anything, be it a dish, a towel, decor, furniture, etc., I have to touch it. Turn it over if it can be turned over. Test its weight. Feel its texture. If it can be opened, I look inside it. If it's for sitting or lying on, I do that.
4. If you could only smell three scents for the rest of your life, what would they be?
Off the top of my head, I'll say: nag champa, storms, and coffee. There's nothing quite like the smell of a storm (I realize, I could've said petrichor, but there's more to a storm than that); nag champa is one of my favorite perfume oil scents and one I wear often; and coffee...reminds me of so many good times, home and creativity and my favorite people. There's a reason I have coffee scented candles tucked throughout my office.
5. What sorts of things do you savor when eating them?
Pizza. Coffee. Van Leeuwen's Black Cherry Chip ice cream. Tiramisu. (There are probably many more things I should savor. I'm working on that.)
Semimonthly Media Log
Sep. 2nd, 2025 09:03 amThis is something I was doing in my journal/bullet journal this year and figured I'd continue it on the blog. Whether I'll keep this semi-monthly or go more to a monthly or bimonthly basis will remain to be seen.
Reading
I'm in the middle of Joanne Harris's Chocolat. I actually started it in mid-July but then gave myself a bout of eyestrain while playing PEAK.
So, I had to take off a couple of weeks while I recovered, got a much overdue eye exam and then spent time getting used to new eyeglasses. (I'm onto progressives now, though it's a very mild prescription. The distance vision is for my astigmatism — which is now in both eyes...yay... — and the zoom-focus at the bottom for reading isn't that zoomy. Though it's still taking some getting used to.)
Anyway...Chocolat. I'm loving the writing style. Descriptive without being overly verbose. There's something autumnal about it. Sweet incense, soft rain, colorful leaves skittering down an empty street.
Watching
A few weeks ago, friends introduced me to The Amazing Digital Circus. I don't...entirely have thoughts about it beyond: it was interesting and weird and I can probably parse deeper meaning from it.
I need to rewatch it on my own to fully digest it.
Playing
I've been playing more PEAK than anything, largely solo and largely successfully. This game is rather ridiculously addictive. But that seems to be a theme for games that have a fairly simple and straightforward goal.
Since it is September and I can already anticipate the weather shifting...I'll probably be starting up another run in Skyrim. Potentially using my archmage character who's the focus of my Pushing Boundaries series. (In short, I'm hoping starting up another run will get me writing on this piece again.) Skyrim has been my core autumnal game since it was released (too many years ago to think about...).
Stardew Valley is still in rotation I started playing this game in the fall of 2023 and it's been a staple ever since. It's actually what inspired me to plant my own blackberry bush, which, as of this writing, has 8 - count them, 8 - blackberries starting to ripen. (Well, six, now. I ate three of them yesterday. They were very tiny...but very juicy, so that gives me hope. I'm altering my approach in the spring by planting some additional brambles - another blackberry and a couple of blueberries - and flowers to attract pollinators. My tiny little dream is to be able to make preserves from my own plants.)
And coming in third on my current playlist is Tiny Bookshop. A cozy bookselling game that makes me want to buy a trailer and run away to the coast.
Reading
I'm in the middle of Joanne Harris's Chocolat. I actually started it in mid-July but then gave myself a bout of eyestrain while playing PEAK.
So, I had to take off a couple of weeks while I recovered, got a much overdue eye exam and then spent time getting used to new eyeglasses. (I'm onto progressives now, though it's a very mild prescription. The distance vision is for my astigmatism — which is now in both eyes...yay... — and the zoom-focus at the bottom for reading isn't that zoomy. Though it's still taking some getting used to.)
Anyway...Chocolat. I'm loving the writing style. Descriptive without being overly verbose. There's something autumnal about it. Sweet incense, soft rain, colorful leaves skittering down an empty street.
Watching
A few weeks ago, friends introduced me to The Amazing Digital Circus. I don't...entirely have thoughts about it beyond: it was interesting and weird and I can probably parse deeper meaning from it.
I need to rewatch it on my own to fully digest it.
Playing
I've been playing more PEAK than anything, largely solo and largely successfully. This game is rather ridiculously addictive. But that seems to be a theme for games that have a fairly simple and straightforward goal.
Since it is September and I can already anticipate the weather shifting...I'll probably be starting up another run in Skyrim. Potentially using my archmage character who's the focus of my Pushing Boundaries series. (In short, I'm hoping starting up another run will get me writing on this piece again.) Skyrim has been my core autumnal game since it was released (too many years ago to think about...).
Stardew Valley is still in rotation I started playing this game in the fall of 2023 and it's been a staple ever since. It's actually what inspired me to plant my own blackberry bush, which, as of this writing, has 8 - count them, 8 - blackberries starting to ripen. (Well, six, now. I ate three of them yesterday. They were very tiny...but very juicy, so that gives me hope. I'm altering my approach in the spring by planting some additional brambles - another blackberry and a couple of blueberries - and flowers to attract pollinators. My tiny little dream is to be able to make preserves from my own plants.)
And coming in third on my current playlist is Tiny Bookshop. A cozy bookselling game that makes me want to buy a trailer and run away to the coast.
When September Begins
Sep. 1st, 2025 10:17 amThere's a certain, not quite definable change when the year turns from August to September.
It must be more internal than external. The world doesn't shift that much in a single day, from 31st to 1st.
But the light feels different this morning. Brighter, distant, a touch colder. The air is softer, sweeter. The world more hushed (a highlight after yesterday's end of summer pool/birthday party bustle).
The ash trees are greener against the cobalt sky. The honey locust has already been shaking loose some of its pinnate leaves. I've left them lying in the front yard; they're turning gold in the scorch of the afternoon sunlight. The lemon balm is lush and green, the wild bergamot has gone leggy and the Drops of Jupiter is starting to don its purple blush in preparation for fall.
The equinox is just around the corner.
And I'm not ready for the descent into the dark.
I do love the autumn. I love the shift in the weather, the change of the leaves, green chili roasting, the accessibility of pumpkin spice and apple spice to feed my coffee and tea habits. I even like getting the yard and plants prepared for winter and future spring.
But I feel like I just climbed out of the dormant season. I feel like it was just spring. Fall can't be just around the corner, winter lurking behind it.
It doesn't help that winter has been a season of cat loss over the last five years. Our 14-year-old orange tabby on January 5th, 2021 and our 19-year-old grey grump on December 10th of 2024.
I've told the remaining two girls they have to keep chugging along for a while. They can't go anywhere this year. I need a buffer.
Also, they will be my last pets.
At least for a while. My heart needs a rest. As does my brain.
It's too hard trying to do much away from home when you have pets, especially as they get older. The girls are 16. I feel guilty for leaving them too long. And worried something will happen while I'm away. Which is partly why our upcoming trip to see family has been stressing me out. They'll be well looked after. Our neighbor is doing the bulk of the work and a friend is coming by once a day to give lunch and socialization/play.
I had been looking forward to this trip when we first planned it, over a year ago. It's been delayed three times, on account of house upkeep (a new roof our insurance kept giving us the run around about) and cat health (a flare of pancreatitis and inflammatory bowel back in the spring) and having to plan around the work schedules of two adults.
Now it's largely feeling like an obligation trip, but I'm hoping I can find pleasure in the slow travel and keep the cat mom worries and guilt at bay until we're back and I can settle into the coming autumn from the comfort of home.
It must be more internal than external. The world doesn't shift that much in a single day, from 31st to 1st.
But the light feels different this morning. Brighter, distant, a touch colder. The air is softer, sweeter. The world more hushed (a highlight after yesterday's end of summer pool/birthday party bustle).
The ash trees are greener against the cobalt sky. The honey locust has already been shaking loose some of its pinnate leaves. I've left them lying in the front yard; they're turning gold in the scorch of the afternoon sunlight. The lemon balm is lush and green, the wild bergamot has gone leggy and the Drops of Jupiter is starting to don its purple blush in preparation for fall.
The equinox is just around the corner.
And I'm not ready for the descent into the dark.
I do love the autumn. I love the shift in the weather, the change of the leaves, green chili roasting, the accessibility of pumpkin spice and apple spice to feed my coffee and tea habits. I even like getting the yard and plants prepared for winter and future spring.
But I feel like I just climbed out of the dormant season. I feel like it was just spring. Fall can't be just around the corner, winter lurking behind it.
It doesn't help that winter has been a season of cat loss over the last five years. Our 14-year-old orange tabby on January 5th, 2021 and our 19-year-old grey grump on December 10th of 2024.
I've told the remaining two girls they have to keep chugging along for a while. They can't go anywhere this year. I need a buffer.
Also, they will be my last pets.
At least for a while. My heart needs a rest. As does my brain.
It's too hard trying to do much away from home when you have pets, especially as they get older. The girls are 16. I feel guilty for leaving them too long. And worried something will happen while I'm away. Which is partly why our upcoming trip to see family has been stressing me out. They'll be well looked after. Our neighbor is doing the bulk of the work and a friend is coming by once a day to give lunch and socialization/play.
I had been looking forward to this trip when we first planned it, over a year ago. It's been delayed three times, on account of house upkeep (a new roof our insurance kept giving us the run around about) and cat health (a flare of pancreatitis and inflammatory bowel back in the spring) and having to plan around the work schedules of two adults.
Now it's largely feeling like an obligation trip, but I'm hoping I can find pleasure in the slow travel and keep the cat mom worries and guilt at bay until we're back and I can settle into the coming autumn from the comfort of home.
Untitled Snippet
Sep. 1st, 2025 10:10 amSix Sentence Sunday: Post six sentences from whatever you're working on.
This is from a Bad Batch fic that will be part of my Written in the Dust series
This is from a Bad Batch fic that will be part of my Written in the Dust series
Tech would have liked to take his time walking through the city, examine the architecture a little closer, catalog some of the plants, breathe in the salted, ocean air.
But Crosshair was in a mood.
And when Crosshair was in a mood, it behooved someone to follow him. That someone was usually Tech.
Which, he supposed, was only logical. He had been doing it most of their lives, from the evenings Crosshair would disappear, tucking himself into a little used storage area he'd turned into a nest when the stress of training got to him, to the nights he let the war or Regs or some torrent of thought get to him and lost himself in the seediest streets he could find, looking for a fight or a fuck, whichever came first.
All the Yesterdays
Aug. 28th, 2025 11:53 amIt's been long enough since I used this site, I've half forgotten how it works... (Like riding a bike, it comes back quickly.)
I was going through my old LiveJournal a bit earlier. (I admit, I was feeling a little nostalgic. A little maudlin).
I started that journal in September of 2001. I was 18.
It's nearly September, 2025. I'm 42.
You wonder where the years go...and with a journal like that, you can quickly and easily see the progression from smart but not-quite-wise teenager to smarter and wiser 20-something to smart, jaded and tired 30-something who trails off on posting because there is just too much stuff on the daily to spend time navel gazing the way she used to, especially when it comes to navel gazing online in a semi-public forum.
But I do miss journaling like this, taking the time to write about my day or dump out whatever thoughts were swirling in my head. (I've tried long hand journaling this year with a mix of bullet and traditional and I'm finding it to be...mostly a reminder of how fast time flies. I plan to finish the journal, but I need to revisit my approach in 2026.)
I miss the connections I used to make. (Some people I still have as friends here on Dreamwidth. Some I carried over to other social media for a while. Some have disappeared into ether of the internet. Some of have died.)
I'm still planning to keep this mostly as a fandom oriented space (though, as you can see - well "you" being the nebulous idea of a person who may actually be reading this blog from time to time - I don't even post fandom related content very often, as my creativity has taken a dive over the last however long) but with maybe the occasional visit to what I'm doing or thinking on the day to day.
